This blog cut its teeth on criticizing commercials, and quite frankly, I think I ought to get back to my roots. I don't watch as much tv now as I did in school, so it's going to be harder to actually manage. Now that football has started, and Dr. Sighted is inconsolable because UGa is behind by 2 TDs right now to Boise, we are seeing and will continue to be seeing more commercials. She did a better job during the first half of the Clemson game when we looked like injured garbage. Adjusting to marriage is hard.
Dick's (the sporting goods store) has a fun campaign where they have professional athletes giving instruction to people buying apparel and explaining why they need it and how it will make them perform better. A few memorable ones were Darelle Revis selling shoes or shorts or whatever and talking about going to his island -- Revis Island -- only to find out that his protege is named Gilligan. There is another one involving Ndomakong Suh (best name ever) hunting quarterbacks selling whatever Revis wasn't There is a good one now with Steven Jackson (not the basketball player) moving in slow motion. There is one, however, that goes over dumber than Kris Humphries answer inevitably will the first time Kim Kardashian asks, "Does this make my butt look big?"
Clay Matthews is the go to guy after the Packers won the Super Bowl, because he looks like a mutant Midwestern wrestler with hair like the cute blonde in your sophomore biology class. He is selling shorts or shoes or whatever in this commercial and it's just him running into stuff in the store. No clever comment from the store, they try to be funny with the family blocking him, except there's nothing going on that they are blocking. There's nothing to blow up! There should have been cowboys robbing a train or a caped man with a handlebar mustache kidnapping Song Girls (Clay went to USC, you see [the real one in LA, not the fake one in Columbia, SC] and the Song Girls are the best thing about the school) that he could blow up. Right now, it just feels like build up with now release. No snap, no crackle, no pop!
The wasted opportunity of the situation is what gets me most. Bad commercials are a dime a dozen -- just ask Taco Bell. But bad commercials with potential to be great? They are the ones that make us feel like we did when Utah State choked away the Auburn game today.
Showing posts with label so hot. Show all posts
Showing posts with label so hot. Show all posts
Saturday, September 03, 2011
Monday, February 23, 2009
Things I Learned on the Oscars
I have to confess that I did not watch all of the spectacle last night. I made it until the all important short documentary award, which was won by a movie called Smile Pinki about children with cleft palates which I'm sure was super uplifting. It was presented by Bill Maher. The presenter is relevant, but I don't want to say anything further because I don't want to step on my toes later on. As you probably already know, I like numbered lists. I am going to use this technique to describe my discoveries.
- Of Hugh Jackman's talents, being funny without scripted jokes is not one of them. He was pretty impressive with his singing and dancing and making out with Anne Hathaway, but he was not funny after the opener. Later on, though, in his second dance number, it gave us another image of Vanessa Hudgens to think about where she looked good with her clothes on. I was going to post a pic of her from the show, but all I could find was that shot of her naked in her bedroom. No kiddie porn for me.
- Bill Maher is not funny. At all. To be fair, I knew this one already. He is not funny, nor is he insightful. This man upsets me, because he reflects poorly on Irish people. Maher is the same as my grandmother's maiden name (although her family name was corrupted upon their arrival in this country). I might go see Religulous just so I can storm out and be indignant. Being indignant is suprisingly satisfying.
- Jack Black is still capable of hilarity. He had a great joke series about animated films and how much America loves him. He even involved gambling, and quite frankly, gambling is fun. He presented with Jennifer Aniston and they did surprisingly well together. I don't care if I'm alone when I say this, but Brad Pitt made the wrong call with Angelina. She is crazy and has too many kids. Jennifer is crazy and has no kids and presents with Jack Black. Jack Black tells jokes about betting on the movie studio that employs him on national television and I'm pretty sure neither of them have tattoos.
- The only difference between Sarah Jessica Parker and Dee Snider is Matthew Broderick. I don't know how Sarah Jessica Parker got famous. Is she supposed to be a sex symbol? Is she supposed to be a glam metal rocker? I never saw a single episode of Sex and the City (how surprised are you?), so I don't get what it's all about. I had a cosmopolitan once, and it was pretty good, but all girly drinks are and as far as girly drinks go, it kind of sucks. What's that you and your Sex and the City friends say, Jessica? You disagree with my joking abuse and you're not gonna take it?
- They should have awards for movies that came out last year. I had seen a grand total of zero of the movies that were up for best picture. I had seen one last year -- Michael Clayton. My living room is so awesome that I never want to go out to movies anymore. The academy should reflect that.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Spring is here, blogger skeptical
Today is the first day of spring, which is supposed to be this super exciting time when the birds start singing louder, pheromones are unleashed, and the weather gets awesomer. You know what? Poppycock, I say. This is the coldest day that it's been for like three weeks. It's like the calendar is drunk. I know it was just St. Patrick's Day and all, but come on calendar, you have responsibilities. The weather is not any awesomer today.
Although, I do have something positive to say: I figured out a gimmick that would make a chicken fingers place get all kinds of crazy buzz. It doesn't necessarily have to be a chicken fingers place, but a restaurant that specializes in food that come in discrete and countable amounts -- chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, any variety of chicken in some sort of bit form, shrimp, etc -- but not French fries, because you can't count them. (I do have a question -- which term [finger, strip, tender, etc] is the proper one?) You know how excited you are you when you find that you have an extra chicken nugget? Well, my restaurant would always do that. All of the relevant things on the menu would be like four chicken fingers, but you'd get five. Twelve fried shrimp, but you'd get fourteen. None of the servers would talk about it and it wouldn't show up in humorous Sonic style faked improv commercials. It would just happen. Order six jalapeno poppers and bam get seven.
The word of mouth advertising for such a place would be through the roof. They would have to be pretty good, too, I guess. But there'd have to be something about everything on the menu. For deli style sandwiches, they come with two pickles or something. Hamburgers might have to be out, since hamburgers are a deeply personal experience and arbitrarily adding ingredients may not be endearing in quite the same way; ordering a double cheeseburger is considerably different from ordering a cheeseburger in ways that getting an extra fried mushroom is not. I know you are probably thinking right now, "Man, I wish such a place existed so I could spend my money there and tell my friends how great it is to spend my money there!" Hopefully, soon, that will be realistic.
I was also looking over my tags and found one that I didn't remember using (pi is delicious) which led me to this post, which reminded me that I owe one of my most loyal readers a larger picture of Ana Ivanovic. And since this is the first day of spring, why not?
Although, I do have something positive to say: I figured out a gimmick that would make a chicken fingers place get all kinds of crazy buzz. It doesn't necessarily have to be a chicken fingers place, but a restaurant that specializes in food that come in discrete and countable amounts -- chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, any variety of chicken in some sort of bit form, shrimp, etc -- but not French fries, because you can't count them. (I do have a question -- which term [finger, strip, tender, etc] is the proper one?) You know how excited you are you when you find that you have an extra chicken nugget? Well, my restaurant would always do that. All of the relevant things on the menu would be like four chicken fingers, but you'd get five. Twelve fried shrimp, but you'd get fourteen. None of the servers would talk about it and it wouldn't show up in humorous Sonic style faked improv commercials. It would just happen. Order six jalapeno poppers and bam get seven.
The word of mouth advertising for such a place would be through the roof. They would have to be pretty good, too, I guess. But there'd have to be something about everything on the menu. For deli style sandwiches, they come with two pickles or something. Hamburgers might have to be out, since hamburgers are a deeply personal experience and arbitrarily adding ingredients may not be endearing in quite the same way; ordering a double cheeseburger is considerably different from ordering a cheeseburger in ways that getting an extra fried mushroom is not. I know you are probably thinking right now, "Man, I wish such a place existed so I could spend my money there and tell my friends how great it is to spend my money there!" Hopefully, soon, that will be realistic.
I was also looking over my tags and found one that I didn't remember using (pi is delicious) which led me to this post, which reminded me that I owe one of my most loyal readers a larger picture of Ana Ivanovic. And since this is the first day of spring, why not?
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Invented by Terrorists: Don't blame me, I voted for Amanda
My mom called me tonight and demanded that I give American Idol a chance tonight. Apparently there is a lovable little guy who sang "Imagine" that blew the doors off the place. As it turns out, that would have been good information to have a few days ago, based on how this show's schedule runs. It's on more often than SportsCenter, but all American Idols are not created equal. I know this is breaking news, since this show has been on the air in this format for like 70 years by now. This is, in fact, the first time I have seen an episode in its entirety.
I can't say that I really got it. I don't watch it normally. I know people who do, and they seem to enjoy it. Each year, you get maybe two or three people who can perform the songs they sing better than the people who made them famous, so it seems like a lot of musical vomit from wannabes to watch before you get to the good stuff. I am not ashamed to concede that the Katharine McPhee "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" was one of those performances. But you see how I avoided committing to a tv show for like 90 hours each week?
Well, I watched tonight and I think I figured out the appeal. I have figured out what the magic formula is that keeps people coming back. The singing is part of it, sure, but the trick is the voting. It's the same thing that you get when you watch Family Feud -- you get to yell at the retards who voted the wrong way and feel superior. Also, watching a chick breakdown and cry after being told she sucks by 30 million Americans is pretty compelling television. Hillary Clinton won't get told she sucks by that many people when she inevitably loses the nomination to Obama. And quite frankly, I thought the girl who got voted off who sang "If You Leave Me Now" was way better than the girl with the comically ostrich-like hair who sang "Carry On My Wayward Son."
And you know what? After it's over, I'm probably going to call my mom and tell her that. Which means I am turning into a gossipy old woman and the terrorists have won.
I can't say that I really got it. I don't watch it normally. I know people who do, and they seem to enjoy it. Each year, you get maybe two or three people who can perform the songs they sing better than the people who made them famous, so it seems like a lot of musical vomit from wannabes to watch before you get to the good stuff. I am not ashamed to concede that the Katharine McPhee "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" was one of those performances. But you see how I avoided committing to a tv show for like 90 hours each week?
Well, I watched tonight and I think I figured out the appeal. I have figured out what the magic formula is that keeps people coming back. The singing is part of it, sure, but the trick is the voting. It's the same thing that you get when you watch Family Feud -- you get to yell at the retards who voted the wrong way and feel superior. Also, watching a chick breakdown and cry after being told she sucks by 30 million Americans is pretty compelling television. Hillary Clinton won't get told she sucks by that many people when she inevitably loses the nomination to Obama. And quite frankly, I thought the girl who got voted off who sang "If You Leave Me Now" was way better than the girl with the comically ostrich-like hair who sang "Carry On My Wayward Son."
And you know what? After it's over, I'm probably going to call my mom and tell her that. Which means I am turning into a gossipy old woman and the terrorists have won.
Monday, October 29, 2007
That figures
Oh man, guys, I need to apologize to you folks. I had this really great story about how I found this pen at work that had this really hilarious note on it -- it was waterproof. What kind of pen is waterproof? In what context would that possibly be useful? Is it like an astronaut pen for scuba divers? I could only imagine someone in a sinking submarine trying to write a note warning the people who discover the wreckage of the giant squid that swallowed the propeller, realizing he had a Bic, and then swearing (sailors swear a lot), wishing he had my pen.
I found myself outside with the pen and your run of the mill Post-It pad, trying to write something down. I don't remember why I was outside writing things down, but that's not the point; the point is, it was raining. What a glorious coincidence! I was oddly outside writing things down in the rain with a waterproof pen! It seemed to work ok, but afterwards it started to crap out. I threw the pen away today. So who would make an outlandish claim about having a waterproof pen, and then have it not be true? That'd be like a pot manufacturer saying that you can use their saucepan upside-down on the burner and get the same results when you boil your spaghetti. Why would you even bother making such a statement?
The problem, though, is that I can't find a link to this pen. It's a Vivo Microfine, one of those wacky ballpointers that looks almost like it's a felt tip. It's black (I refuse to use any pen that is not black [unless it's red, and then only in certain cases; the point is that blue ink was invented by terrorists]), has a nice grip, and nice balance. I like the pen. But it isn't waterproof! I haven't felt this cheated since that time I read a Shakira interview where she said that she wanted to sound like Led Zeppelin.
I found myself outside with the pen and your run of the mill Post-It pad, trying to write something down. I don't remember why I was outside writing things down, but that's not the point; the point is, it was raining. What a glorious coincidence! I was oddly outside writing things down in the rain with a waterproof pen! It seemed to work ok, but afterwards it started to crap out. I threw the pen away today. So who would make an outlandish claim about having a waterproof pen, and then have it not be true? That'd be like a pot manufacturer saying that you can use their saucepan upside-down on the burner and get the same results when you boil your spaghetti. Why would you even bother making such a statement?
The problem, though, is that I can't find a link to this pen. It's a Vivo Microfine, one of those wacky ballpointers that looks almost like it's a felt tip. It's black (I refuse to use any pen that is not black [unless it's red, and then only in certain cases; the point is that blue ink was invented by terrorists]), has a nice grip, and nice balance. I like the pen. But it isn't waterproof! I haven't felt this cheated since that time I read a Shakira interview where she said that she wanted to sound like Led Zeppelin.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
He's probably a three monther
I'm sure you've probably heard somebody say, "She's a twenty-footer," meaning this hypothetical she looks rather attractive from any distance, so long as it's greater than twenty feet. Thirty feet, for example. I personally don't like this scale, because it kind of breaks down for good looking people, the kind of people at whom one would actually enjoy looking. What do you say when you meet someone who is actually hot? She's a one incher? Do we get into microscopic scales? I hope not, because the only way that could be lamer would be to say, "She's a 9.314159."
A friend of mine proposed using poker hands to describe the relative attractivity of girls, but it didn't really catch on, unfortunately. The beauty of this system is that two pair may sound low, but you typically bet on a two pair. There's a very high ceiling; like the girl in your class might be really hot, and so you could say she's a full house. And that's almost a no lose situation. I think someone like Maria Sharapova would be somewhere like four of a kind. How many straight flushes have you seen in real life? One maybe? See how perfect a system this was?
Anyway, Fred Thompson just announced that he's running for president. I give him about three months before he blends into the noise. This looked like a really compelling group of candidates early in the election. But now that we get to spend time with them, they all look horribly, horribly flawed. We are already within the time range for like all of them. Except Thompson. We'll see how long that goes.
All right, if I'm going to bring up these scales, I think I owe you a picture, possibly to illustrate. Keeping with the tennis theme, I present a possible new tennis crush, Ana Ivanovic, who is at worst, a king high flush.
This makes me a little bit uncomfortable, though, because this is the first celebrity crush who is younger than me. I'm feeling old. But I have a blog, and that makes me hip, right?
A friend of mine proposed using poker hands to describe the relative attractivity of girls, but it didn't really catch on, unfortunately. The beauty of this system is that two pair may sound low, but you typically bet on a two pair. There's a very high ceiling; like the girl in your class might be really hot, and so you could say she's a full house. And that's almost a no lose situation. I think someone like Maria Sharapova would be somewhere like four of a kind. How many straight flushes have you seen in real life? One maybe? See how perfect a system this was?
Anyway, Fred Thompson just announced that he's running for president. I give him about three months before he blends into the noise. This looked like a really compelling group of candidates early in the election. But now that we get to spend time with them, they all look horribly, horribly flawed. We are already within the time range for like all of them. Except Thompson. We'll see how long that goes.
All right, if I'm going to bring up these scales, I think I owe you a picture, possibly to illustrate. Keeping with the tennis theme, I present a possible new tennis crush, Ana Ivanovic, who is at worst, a king high flush.
This makes me a little bit uncomfortable, though, because this is the first celebrity crush who is younger than me. I'm feeling old. But I have a blog, and that makes me hip, right?
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Out of my brain on the 5:15
Hey guys, I wanted to offer a little bit of an explanation as to why the output has been down a little lately. I am so close to finishing up with grad school I could pee and hit it on the up-arc from here, and I don't want to be held up by much. I am taking a break right now because my eyes hurt and I'm pretty much at the end of my day. I might be back in the lab wondering if this decision was worth it when I just talked to a college buddy who's married with a kid and sounds the happiest I've ever heard him. Most of my thoughts have centered around Fortran, finishing my paper, and trying to decide if I want to trade down from the Sharp Aquos to the Vizio in order to better justify the purchase of an iPhone.
So, I cannot guarantee when the next update will come. But once I'm out of this mess, I can guarantee that they will be funnier. For example, I realize I have to shop for car insurance, and that means I have to negotiate the ever expanding field of the Geico Cavemen, Erin Esurance, and the guy the Unit/president from 24. That's got all sorts of hilarity potential right there. Will it really prove to be so easy a cave man could do it? Will I be won over by the sex appeal of a pink haired cartoon? Not if Jack Bauer's boss (ex-boss?) has anything to say about it. I don't know if he termed out or died or what.
Anyway, I'll try to get some good stuff out. I don't want to lose any more of my six (or was it five?) readers that I had before. Anyway, hope all you guys are staying awesome out there this summer. Word on the street is that there's a weekend coming up...
So, I cannot guarantee when the next update will come. But once I'm out of this mess, I can guarantee that they will be funnier. For example, I realize I have to shop for car insurance, and that means I have to negotiate the ever expanding field of the Geico Cavemen, Erin Esurance, and the guy the Unit/president from 24. That's got all sorts of hilarity potential right there. Will it really prove to be so easy a cave man could do it? Will I be won over by the sex appeal of a pink haired cartoon? Not if Jack Bauer's boss (ex-boss?) has anything to say about it. I don't know if he termed out or died or what.
Anyway, I'll try to get some good stuff out. I don't want to lose any more of my six (or was it five?) readers that I had before. Anyway, hope all you guys are staying awesome out there this summer. Word on the street is that there's a weekend coming up...
Sunday, June 03, 2007
317 days
I like to think of myself as a reasonably cultured individual, as much as I can be considering I was born in the United States to parents who aren't dukes and in a city without an opera house. I have a pretty solid understanding of foods and what sorts of meals are good ideas in certain cases and I know enough about wines and liquors not to look stupid (for example, Wild Turkey bourbon is not actually made out of wild turkeys). I'd read a couple of books (no, they weren't comic books) and I've seen a lot of movies, many of them "old fashioned" types. I own more than one movie made before 1950 on purpose. However, there are gaping holes in my movie watching that are egregious, and I feel like I need to atone for that in an oddly public way. These are movies that I have never seen, in order of decreasing egregiousness.
- Die Hard. I have never seen a single Die Hard movie. Ever. Any of them. I have never seen Bruce Willis walk across broken glass, my exposures to Alan Rickman are limited to Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and Dogma, and as a result, my standard for action movie series is Lethal Weapon. Now Danny Glover is a communist, Mel Gibson is a racist while Bruce Willis is still busy being hardcore. Where did I go wrong?
- Rocky. Again, I have never seen any of them. No running up the steps in Philadelphia, no "Adrian!" and no Dolph Lundgren (who went to Clemson, by the way)/Mr T/Burgess Meredith. It took me a while to understand the "It's over Rock!" "It ain't over, just get me something to drink" Lipton Iced Tea commercial (I had to use context clues). It was, as a result, hard to get excited about Rocky Balboa. I almost feel like I'm still just a boy since I haven't seen one of these.
- Psycho. Everybody everywhere knows about the shower scene, the staccato strings and the amazing cinematography to imply the stabbing. It's like grown to be part of our collective culture, and I'm pretty sure if you were to go to a foreign country and make the "Rhee! Rhee! Rhee!" sound, they would answer back with (insert vaguely racist stereotype of a foreign language) "Ah, Psycho!" but they probably wouldn't understand why the p is there. And it's Alfred Freaking Hitchcock. If he had just made this movie he would have been a legend. Or The Birds. Or Vertigo. Or Rebecca. But he made all of them. And, interestingly enough, I haven't seen any of them, either. (I have seen Rear Window and Dial M for Murder, though.)
- Caddyshack. I know it's about golf and considered one of the funniest movies out there, like on the level of Animal House or something. I own Animal House, so I have that one covered. But something involving gophers or sprinklers or both, and I feel like I need to rectify this one, probably more than some of the ones above it. I just can't put this higher than Psycho, and the first two are like 8 movies, so they earn their spot simply by proliferation.
- Fast Times at Ridgemont High. All I really know about this movie is that Cameron Crowe made it and it has one of the most famous nude scenes ever. Phoebe Cates removing her bikini top to Moving in Stereo. She's married to Kevin Kline now. Wouldn't it be weird to be married to a sexual icon like that? I wouldn't know where to begin imagining that, since I've never seen the movie. I heard it [the movie] wasn't that good though.
- Harry Potter. I haven't seen any of the movies or read any of the books. And I put this one last because I don't care. Everyone around me seem to be freaking out about it all the time. This also revives the Alan Rickman component of this, who I wish was in more stuff. (I have also seen him in Something the Lord Made and Galaxy Quest, two movies which makes me want to rephrase: I wish he was in more stuff I actually want to watch.) It also sort of revives the nudity component, because I hear that the kid who plays Harry appeared naked in a play involving a horse somehow. Also, I think it's kind of funny that every pedophile in the country is counting down to the girl in the movie's 18th birthday. I, for one, have no idea how many days it is until then. I'm not putting a picture of her up, because that's just too creepy.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Nobody uses pill in its slang form anymore.
There is a commercial that irritates me to no end that I haven't publicly skewered on my blog yet. I am going to do that now. It's Nexium, the "Little Purple Pill" that solves every sort of problem related to acid reflux disease. You know, you don't just feel better after taking it, you are better. So next time you're standing around talking about all the charity work you do with your friends, the guy who volunteers at the soup kitchen has nothing on the guy who takes Nexium. Because he is better.
That's not even the part that bothers me so. It's the one with the father (presumably) of a family whom everyone in said family refers to as "The Finisher." Which is a load of hogwash because the examples he cites, "Finish your homework! Finish Your Vegetables!" involves asking other people to finish things without actually doing any finishing himself. Then, to tie it together, he says, "There was something I thought I [the Finisher!] was finished with." See how that comes full circle on itself? No? That's because there has never existed a more contrived plot device ever. Not even the history professor in Monty Python in the Holy Grail, which was contrived on purpose, can exceed it. I hate this commercial. I would prefer to suffer with acid reflux disease than take this drug on principle.
I know that writing an ad for a drug would be hard. There's not a lot to work with, and there's usually a lot of jargon. But I can't really say I think that advertising drugs to the public is a good idea in the first place, but if they're going to do it, do it better than this. There are Geico commercials or ads with fast cars or explosions whose spot you're taking with this nonsense. The kicker to writing these ads being hard, though, is that the people who write them are professionals. In order to get paid for your work, typically you need to be kind of good at it. If not, well, I'd be making money doing second rate work writing ads for gullible pharmaceutical companies. In case there are any gullible pharmaceutical execs reading this, here's my suggestion. If you like it, leave a comment and I'll tell you where you can mail the check.
[Fade from purple]
Explosion, rocket car flies across screen. Cut inside of car, where man in World War I aviator style clothing is seated next to a smokin' hot woman wearing something sexy. She says, "That was close!" He clutches his chest. "Oh no, not your acid reflux disease!" Another explosion, then goats with machine guns parachute on screen. The man says, "I need something better! This, this purple pill might be just ticket! Fortunately, I had a prescription written and filled for Nexium before this battle began!" He takes the Nexium. He sits upright, shoots the goats with the lasers and missiles from his rocket car. The girl says, "The Nexium worked! And you saved humanity! My hero!" She hugs his arm and rests her head on his shoulder. He smiles, turns to the camera and says, "With only headache, diarrhea, and stomach pain as side effects for Nexium, there is no question. Nexium is the balls. Talk to your doctor right away."
It can even be a cartoon, like Erin E-sruance. That'd be ok, but they better finish it soon.
That's not even the part that bothers me so. It's the one with the father (presumably) of a family whom everyone in said family refers to as "The Finisher." Which is a load of hogwash because the examples he cites, "Finish your homework! Finish Your Vegetables!" involves asking other people to finish things without actually doing any finishing himself. Then, to tie it together, he says, "There was something I thought I [the Finisher!] was finished with." See how that comes full circle on itself? No? That's because there has never existed a more contrived plot device ever. Not even the history professor in Monty Python in the Holy Grail, which was contrived on purpose, can exceed it. I hate this commercial. I would prefer to suffer with acid reflux disease than take this drug on principle.
I know that writing an ad for a drug would be hard. There's not a lot to work with, and there's usually a lot of jargon. But I can't really say I think that advertising drugs to the public is a good idea in the first place, but if they're going to do it, do it better than this. There are Geico commercials or ads with fast cars or explosions whose spot you're taking with this nonsense. The kicker to writing these ads being hard, though, is that the people who write them are professionals. In order to get paid for your work, typically you need to be kind of good at it. If not, well, I'd be making money doing second rate work writing ads for gullible pharmaceutical companies. In case there are any gullible pharmaceutical execs reading this, here's my suggestion. If you like it, leave a comment and I'll tell you where you can mail the check.
[Fade from purple]
Explosion, rocket car flies across screen. Cut inside of car, where man in World War I aviator style clothing is seated next to a smokin' hot woman wearing something sexy. She says, "That was close!" He clutches his chest. "Oh no, not your acid reflux disease!" Another explosion, then goats with machine guns parachute on screen. The man says, "I need something better! This, this purple pill might be just ticket! Fortunately, I had a prescription written and filled for Nexium before this battle began!" He takes the Nexium. He sits upright, shoots the goats with the lasers and missiles from his rocket car. The girl says, "The Nexium worked! And you saved humanity! My hero!" She hugs his arm and rests her head on his shoulder. He smiles, turns to the camera and says, "With only headache, diarrhea, and stomach pain as side effects for Nexium, there is no question. Nexium is the balls. Talk to your doctor right away."
It can even be a cartoon, like Erin E-sruance. That'd be ok, but they better finish it soon.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Television strategizes poorly
There are only two nights of television that I care to actually watch, and I usually end up missing both of them. And, evidently, I'm the only person on the planet who doesn't have a TiVo at my beck and call. When I'm a rich engineer, I guess I'm going to need to get one; but I'm going to be in a strange place so I'll probably end up (at least for a while) not knowing anybody and having plenty of time on my hands to watch it in real time. It's a Catch-22.
Anyway, tonight, I am going to miss the Monday night programming I enjoy (and the rematch of the first ever three way tie on Jeopardy!), notably, How I Met Your Mother since I they took Studio 60 off the air. Apparently, I was the only person who actually watched it. I am missing tv tonight because Clemson is playing in the second NIT game tonight against Ole Miss. It'll be on ESPN tonight at 7, and you'll probably be able to see me, since if it's anything like the last game, I'll be able to practically sit on the bench with the team. For those of you who don't know, the NIT is like a consolation bracket for the teams who don't make the Big Dance; it's so meaningless that people don't even gamble on it.
Thursday's the other night that I miss. I'm usually busy on Thursday nights, and every good show is on that night. All of them. I guess people are afraid of Lost and CSI and Grey's Anatomy, so everything else lands on Thursday. Ridiculous. Is Desperate Housewives still around? I still can't figure out how Teri Hatcher looks better now than she did 10 years ago. Regardless, go Tigers!
Anyway, tonight, I am going to miss the Monday night programming I enjoy (and the rematch of the first ever three way tie on Jeopardy!), notably, How I Met Your Mother since I they took Studio 60 off the air. Apparently, I was the only person who actually watched it. I am missing tv tonight because Clemson is playing in the second NIT game tonight against Ole Miss. It'll be on ESPN tonight at 7, and you'll probably be able to see me, since if it's anything like the last game, I'll be able to practically sit on the bench with the team. For those of you who don't know, the NIT is like a consolation bracket for the teams who don't make the Big Dance; it's so meaningless that people don't even gamble on it.
Thursday's the other night that I miss. I'm usually busy on Thursday nights, and every good show is on that night. All of them. I guess people are afraid of Lost and CSI and Grey's Anatomy, so everything else lands on Thursday. Ridiculous. Is Desperate Housewives still around? I still can't figure out how Teri Hatcher looks better now than she did 10 years ago. Regardless, go Tigers!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
I wonder if she could play tennis... in the Labyrinth
A few things kind of clicked for me today as I was watching Dark City. This epiphany probably isn't going to be what you're thinking, unless you're thinking Jennifer Connelly. In that movie (released in 1998) it made me think that when she is at her prime, there probably isn't an actress in Hollywood better looking than her. Then I was reminded of a discussion of Anna Kournikova I had while watching the Duke basketball game (¡desastre!) and how it seemed absurd how she's one of the most famous tennis players of the past decade and she sucks at tennis. But we all know her because she's gorgeous. And in case you don't, here are pictures.
Life is just easier for people who are that good looking. I think on some level, average looking people hate them for it. Then again, you want to root for the pretty ones, too. It's a weird duality of opinions that's hard to explain. Think about it -- when you watch a movie or a sporting event or something, if you have no other rooting interest, you'll cheer for the prettier, won't you? I do that with Jeopardy sometimes. I either want the prettiest girl or the person with the coolest voice to win. And if a hot chick (well, Jeopardy hot) is up against a heavy black guy from Alabama with a really deep voice, I'm a little conflicted; tie goes to the female.
Think about the Patriots. In 2001, they were the underdogs, so we kind of wanted them to win. They continued their workmanlike approach to building a football program, and it worked. Good coaching, discipline and focus on teamwork led to success. They would, of course,won two of the next three, now most folks are tired of them. (By the way, the Super Bowl in that stretch that the Pats didn't win was won by The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I will also be cheering for Indy on Sunday, in case you wanted that information.) Also, Bill Belichick dresses like a hobo.
When you see beautiful women getting to cut in line or discounts or something, doesn't it bother you a little bit? But if you were in a position to give it to them, would you? (If you are a lady reading this, just make the appropriate gender substitutions yourself.) You'd at least think about it. It doesn't seem fair, really. But I think that's just something that ugly people say.
Life is just easier for people who are that good looking. I think on some level, average looking people hate them for it. Then again, you want to root for the pretty ones, too. It's a weird duality of opinions that's hard to explain. Think about it -- when you watch a movie or a sporting event or something, if you have no other rooting interest, you'll cheer for the prettier, won't you? I do that with Jeopardy sometimes. I either want the prettiest girl or the person with the coolest voice to win. And if a hot chick (well, Jeopardy hot) is up against a heavy black guy from Alabama with a really deep voice, I'm a little conflicted; tie goes to the female.
Think about the Patriots. In 2001, they were the underdogs, so we kind of wanted them to win. They continued their workmanlike approach to building a football program, and it worked. Good coaching, discipline and focus on teamwork led to success. They would, of course,won two of the next three, now most folks are tired of them. (By the way, the Super Bowl in that stretch that the Pats didn't win was won by The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I will also be cheering for Indy on Sunday, in case you wanted that information.) Also, Bill Belichick dresses like a hobo.
When you see beautiful women getting to cut in line or discounts or something, doesn't it bother you a little bit? But if you were in a position to give it to them, would you? (If you are a lady reading this, just make the appropriate gender substitutions yourself.) You'd at least think about it. It doesn't seem fair, really. But I think that's just something that ugly people say.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Why aren't there Thanksgiving Carols?
I was going to post a vintage Opinions Editor piece from the Rose Thorn that talked about Thanksgiving, and notably, mashed potatoes and gravy. Turkey gravy placed on mashed potatoes is the greatest combination of things in human history, with the single exception of me and Giada De Laurentiis. I ran into some trouble with the formatting, so I guess you get an original instead.
The column I was going to post, incidentally, was written around the time the last Bond movie release, as well. I consider myself pretty well versed in the James Bond universe, and Die Another Day was in the bottom three of all the 20 movies. This next I expect to see later this evening, and I hope it's better. I have an awful lot invested in this franchise, when you consider time, money and knowledge, so I really hope this one's better.
Even if it's not, I guess tomorrow's feast will be enough to erase if from my immediate memory. Thanksgiving is a pretty high ranking holiday on my depth chart. Christmas, The 4th of July and St. Patrick's Day are all up there, too. I like holidays that involve food, although the 4th isn't nearly as much food central as the others. Sure, you have hamburgers and hot dogs, but they don't compare to turkey, ham and corned beef. Or mashed potatoes and gravy.
There's some family involved, too I guess. Every time I come home, there is not enough time for all the people I need to see, so there are just some people who don't make the cut. It's not their fault; there's only so much time and I only have to much motivation to see people I don't see all that often. Really, sitting on my couch watching Everyday Italian sounds a lot more appealing than trying to carry on a conversation with someone who only cares enough to try to answer back twice a year.
Anyway, I think that pretty much covers the important parts: mashed potatoes and gravy, James Bond, Italian women, and family who are only vaguely interested in you. That's what Thanksgiving is to me. There are also some more interested family, but they're more frequently seen, and part of the everyday landscape rather than the holiday one. And you know what? In a month, we do the same thing over again at Christmas. Spectacular!
The column I was going to post, incidentally, was written around the time the last Bond movie release, as well. I consider myself pretty well versed in the James Bond universe, and Die Another Day was in the bottom three of all the 20 movies. This next I expect to see later this evening, and I hope it's better. I have an awful lot invested in this franchise, when you consider time, money and knowledge, so I really hope this one's better.
Even if it's not, I guess tomorrow's feast will be enough to erase if from my immediate memory. Thanksgiving is a pretty high ranking holiday on my depth chart. Christmas, The 4th of July and St. Patrick's Day are all up there, too. I like holidays that involve food, although the 4th isn't nearly as much food central as the others. Sure, you have hamburgers and hot dogs, but they don't compare to turkey, ham and corned beef. Or mashed potatoes and gravy.
There's some family involved, too I guess. Every time I come home, there is not enough time for all the people I need to see, so there are just some people who don't make the cut. It's not their fault; there's only so much time and I only have to much motivation to see people I don't see all that often. Really, sitting on my couch watching Everyday Italian sounds a lot more appealing than trying to carry on a conversation with someone who only cares enough to try to answer back twice a year.
Anyway, I think that pretty much covers the important parts: mashed potatoes and gravy, James Bond, Italian women, and family who are only vaguely interested in you. That's what Thanksgiving is to me. There are also some more interested family, but they're more frequently seen, and part of the everyday landscape rather than the holiday one. And you know what? In a month, we do the same thing over again at Christmas. Spectacular!
Friday, September 08, 2006
Do insurance villains attack with cartoon blimps?
Most of you probably already know that I have pretty strong opinions about television commercials. Like, for example, I think that Taco Bell's advertisement people should be put into a box with angry shrews. I also am convinced that the cell phone companies are in a competition to see who can generate the most inanity and put it on the air; it's really the only explanation that makes sense. Geico's still on top, their new campaign is pretty amusing (except the one with Mini-Me, that one sucks). The Sports Center commercials are also hit and miss; you've heard how I felt about Maria Sharapova -- the new one with Peyton and Eli getting the tour of the studio and Peyton kicks Eli is hilarious. The one with Ladanian kind of blows, though.
There is one that has an entire campaign that I have no idea what to make of it. Esurance, an on-line car insurance company, has got an animated ad campaign involving secret agents and villains and romance. I haven't been this confused by something I've watched since my old roommate rented Brazil. I'm sure you've seen one -- Erin Esurance, the super spy super hero, is a magenta haired animated babe (she does manage to pull off the magenta pretty well, much better than P!nk does, I have to say. Mostly because P!nk looks more masculine than Jerome Bettis lately -- oh that's another, the Square Table is a good campaign as well) who does things like drive racecars, go to sporting events and drop in on car dealerships being chased by villians that I'm pretty sure used to appear in Dexter's Laboratory or possibly Invader Zim. I don't know what the hell any of it means, or why the tagline is "If you're on the go, you gotta get Esurance."
Apparently you can get insurance over the internet and immediately print proof of insurance, and that's what is so amazing about this, even if you're being chased by an evil professor who looks vaguely like a composite of Frankenstein and Tom Brady wearing shades. Really, if I'm being chased by the likes of a Super Bowl winning quarterback that has been reanimated from dead flesh, whether or not my get away car has car insurance probably isn't going to be the first thing I worry about, it will be if that magenta haired chick is single.
There is one that has an entire campaign that I have no idea what to make of it. Esurance, an on-line car insurance company, has got an animated ad campaign involving secret agents and villains and romance. I haven't been this confused by something I've watched since my old roommate rented Brazil. I'm sure you've seen one -- Erin Esurance, the super spy super hero, is a magenta haired animated babe (she does manage to pull off the magenta pretty well, much better than P!nk does, I have to say. Mostly because P!nk looks more masculine than Jerome Bettis lately -- oh that's another, the Square Table is a good campaign as well) who does things like drive racecars, go to sporting events and drop in on car dealerships being chased by villians that I'm pretty sure used to appear in Dexter's Laboratory or possibly Invader Zim. I don't know what the hell any of it means, or why the tagline is "If you're on the go, you gotta get Esurance."
Apparently you can get insurance over the internet and immediately print proof of insurance, and that's what is so amazing about this, even if you're being chased by an evil professor who looks vaguely like a composite of Frankenstein and Tom Brady wearing shades. Really, if I'm being chased by the likes of a Super Bowl winning quarterback that has been reanimated from dead flesh, whether or not my get away car has car insurance probably isn't going to be the first thing I worry about, it will be if that magenta haired chick is single.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
I love her
Call me juvenile, but I think the ESPN commercial series with Stuart Scott and the can of tennis balls is hilarious. There are two that I have seen - with Roger Federer and Maria Sharapova. In the first of the series, with Roger, he walks past Stu's cubicle, and is offered the can of tennis balls. Stuart explain that they were given to him as a promotion and he doesn't need them, but since they were free, doesn't know if they were any good. Roger thanks him, and begins to walk away while Stuart tells him he ought to check. He does and wham! classic spring loaded snakes gag.
The second one, Maria walks by and he tries the same thing, but she's wise to the game. She calls him on the snakes (although calls them worms) and he does the natural thing and acts hurt. He finally guilts her into taking the can, she opens it, and wham! out they pop. His reaction cracks me up.
I forgot to mention something important: Maria is wearing that cute little tennis outfit that is the most brilliant development in sports marketing I have seen, surpassed only by the concepts of cheerleaders and beach volleyball uniforms. I will now take this opportunity to include a picture of Maria laying down on a bed of tennis balls. Honestly, I have no idea why I don't like tennis more. That can't be comfortable.
The second one, Maria walks by and he tries the same thing, but she's wise to the game. She calls him on the snakes (although calls them worms) and he does the natural thing and acts hurt. He finally guilts her into taking the can, she opens it, and wham! out they pop. His reaction cracks me up.
I forgot to mention something important: Maria is wearing that cute little tennis outfit that is the most brilliant development in sports marketing I have seen, surpassed only by the concepts of cheerleaders and beach volleyball uniforms. I will now take this opportunity to include a picture of Maria laying down on a bed of tennis balls. Honestly, I have no idea why I don't like tennis more. That can't be comfortable.
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