317 days

I like to think of myself as a reasonably cultured individual, as much as I can be considering I was born in the United States to parents who aren't dukes and in a city without an opera house. I have a pretty solid understanding of foods and what sorts of meals are good ideas in certain cases and I know enough about wines and liquors not to look stupid (for example, Wild Turkey bourbon is not actually made out of wild turkeys). I'd read a couple of books (no, they weren't comic books) and I've seen a lot of movies, many of them "old fashioned" types. I own more than one movie made before 1950 on purpose. However, there are gaping holes in my movie watching that are egregious, and I feel like I need to atone for that in an oddly public way. These are movies that I have never seen, in order of decreasing egregiousness.

1. Die Hard. I have never seen a single Die Hard movie. Ever. Any of them. I have never seen Bruce Willis walk across broken glass, my exposures to Alan Rickman are limited to Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and Dogma, and as a result, my standard for action movie series is Lethal Weapon. Now Danny Glover is a communist, Mel Gibson is a racist while Bruce Willis is still busy being hardcore. Where did I go wrong?
2. Rocky. Again, I have never seen any of them. No running up the steps in Philadelphia, no "Adrian!" and no Dolph Lundgren (who went to Clemson, by the way)/Mr T/Burgess Meredith. It took me a while to understand the "It's over Rock!" "It ain't over, just get me something to drink" Lipton Iced Tea commercial (I had to use context clues). It was, as a result, hard to get excited about Rocky Balboa. I almost feel like I'm still just a boy since I haven't seen one of these.
3. Psycho. Everybody everywhere knows about the shower scene, the staccato strings and the amazing cinematography to imply the stabbing. It's like grown to be part of our collective culture, and I'm pretty sure if you were to go to a foreign country and make the "Rhee! Rhee! Rhee!" sound, they would answer back with (insert vaguely racist stereotype of a foreign language) "Ah, Psycho!" but they probably wouldn't understand why the p is there. And it's Alfred Freaking Hitchcock. If he had just made this movie he would have been a legend. Or The Birds. Or Vertigo. Or Rebecca. But he made all of them. And, interestingly enough, I haven't seen any of them, either. (I have seen Rear Window and Dial M for Murder, though.)
4. Caddyshack. I know it's about golf and considered one of the funniest movies out there, like on the level of Animal House or something. I own Animal House, so I have that one covered. But something involving gophers or sprinklers or both, and I feel like I need to rectify this one, probably more than some of the ones above it. I just can't put this higher than Psycho, and the first two are like 8 movies, so they earn their spot simply by proliferation.
   
5. Fast Times at Ridgemont High. All I really know about this movie is that Cameron Crowe made it and it has one of the most famous nude scenes ever. Phoebe Cates removing her bikini top to Moving in Stereo. She's married to Kevin Kline now. Wouldn't it be weird to be married to a sexual icon like that? I wouldn't know where to begin imagining that, since I've never seen the movie. I heard it [the movie] wasn't that good though.
6. Harry Potter. I haven't seen any of the movies or read any of the books. And I put this one last because I don't care. Everyone around me seem to be freaking out about it all the time. This also revives the Alan Rickman component of this, who I wish was in more stuff. (I have also seen him in Something the Lord Made and Galaxy Quest, two movies which makes me want to rephrase: I wish he was in more stuff I actually want to watch.) It also sort of revives the nudity component, because I hear that the kid who plays Harry appeared naked in a play involving a horse somehow. Also, I think it's kind of funny that every pedophile in the country is counting down to the girl in the movie's 18th birthday. I, for one, have no idea how many days it is until then. I'm not putting a picture of her up, because that's just too creepy.
   

I feel like I have my work cut out for me, and those are only the ones I could think of off the top of my head right now. I own a few movies that I've never actually watched, but they don't quite look like they will make the list. (One of them is Battlefield Earth.) I did finally see the Da Vinci Code movie, but I still haven't read the book. It was ok. And I never know what to say about it, because I heard from somebody I trust that it was a terribly written book and then I hear people say that it was really well written, and it makes me wonder if those people are stupid. I guess it could also be that they are just egregiously missing out on very important cultural touchstones, so that good writing isn't judged by Dan Brown any more than good action flicks are judged by Lethal Weapon.

Even Hall and Oates?

If you ask ten people or so what kind of music they listen to, I would wager than about five of them will say, "Oh, I like all kinds of music." You know what I think? I think they're liars, that's what. Nobody listens to all kinds of music. There is something out there that makes you say, "I swear to God, if I have to hear another Boston song, I will commit an act of arson." Or, bagpipes. Lots of people hate bagpipes. Not me though; if I could figure out a way, I'd have bagpipes play (in this order) Auld Lang Syne, You Might Think by the Cars and Happy Birthday every year on my birthday. (My birthday is on New Year's Day, which explains Auld Lang Syne.)

But more than Boston, I think I am tired of the Eagles. I honestly can say that if I hear Take it Easy on the radio one more time I am going to burn down a gas station. Or library. But then again, this isn't about me, because I definitely do not listen to all kinds of music. I'm actually a little ashamed that my near encyclopaedic (I chose the British spelling to be extra pretentious) of classic rock music has not translated into an interest in current music. I'm working on it, though, I promise.

People who say they like all kinds of music probably don't really care that much about music as an art form. That's my conclusion. If you are equally at home listening to, say, Ashlee Simpson as you are Miles Davis or Eric Clapton or Juice Newton or Parliament or Ricky Martin, really, can your opinions on music be trusted? Can your opinions on anything be trusted? This has been a pretty italics heavy post so far.

Here's what I have to say about this whole ordeal: just man up and commit to music. The crazy thing is you don't have to be monogamous or anything! Why is this so hard? Are you worried that when you run for Congress, somebody's going to be offended you forgot to mention you like reggae? I am offering two possible actions that I think are reasonable the next time somebody says that they like all music: simply walk away, mid-sentence, or punch them in the side. I have a Peaceful Easy Feeling that this will work out great.

Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution

Have you noticed how classic rock radio stations within the past five or so years have started playing a series of songs by the same artist? They sometimes have cute little names for that segment, like a rock block or an artist twofer. It's kind of a weird development, because all of a sudden, everyone was doing it. It might just be Clear Channel decided to try it out, and every station happens to be owned by them, but radio stations are doing it. I have to say, I'm a little conflicted by this practice.

Sometimes, it's awesome, if you get an artist that you haven't heard in a while and get a pair of songs by somebody like the Cars. Let's Go followed by Moving in Stereo would be fantastic. I think I'll put that cd in and listen to them right now. But if you get a pair by like Rush or Styx, that's like a kick right in the balls. In fact, that should be a punishment for losing on a game show, because you know that you're going to have to wait like 8 minutes, which is a borderline eternity in radio time, before you're going to get another shot at even a remotely redeeming artist like Supertramp. Sure, they're not great, but they would sound like they rock harder than Quiet Riot after Dennis DeYoung.

I think, on the whole, I have to say I'm not in favor of it. I'd rather hear an interesting song by Fleetwood Mac, and then move on to ZZ Top. If I want to listen to the entire first side of Rumours, I'll go buy it. Now let me hear Tusk followed by Legs.

I would like to point out that there is a football game tomorrow, where Clemson will be meeting Florida Atlantic on the field of battle known as Death Valley. This is essentially a freebie, since I should be in prayer mode in preparation of the festivities tomorrow. If we were playing a real football team, there is no way that I would be posting right now. But I must say, Go Tigers, and on Monday night, there will be an inordinate number of Miami Hurricanes fans in Clemson, South Carolina.

I want my MTV

In a typical decade, I might watch MTV for maybe an hour or two. This strikes me as weird, because I really like music, and from time to time I also enjoy television. Combining the two ought to be a match made in heaven, like peanut butter and my mouth. But for some reason, MTV never clicked with me.

However, today, I turned on my tv, and music was playing on it. It wasn't MTV per se, it was VH1 Classic -- but it was showing the videos that MTV played on its first day and some of the MTV promos, too. I missed Video Killed the Radio Star, but it's still a pretty interesting concept. Having this channel on in the background is like having a crystal ball revealing 1981 in all its ridiculous and rocking glory. For example, "Wrathchild" by Iron Maiden was just followed by "Come What May" by someone named Lani Hall. In case you don't already realize how discordant this juxtaposition is, here is a sample lyric from Wrathchild:

I was born into a scene of angriness and greed, and dominance and persecution

Now, Come What May:

But I'm not a bird
and wishes and just fly away
my love

Some of the things I've learned have been kind of useful, like even though I had heard the name of the Pretenders before, I didn't know anything they had done, but they might be worth my attention in the future. Other have not been as useful, like the knowledge that Ric Ocasek and the Cars were already so awesome that a large portion of the videos are from the genre of band that get me excited because they look and sound just like the Cars but are not the Cars. They also played a surprising amount of Rod Stewart, which I am having trouble wrapping my head around. They have also played a healthy amount of The Who, which is so awesome I can forgive the Debbie Harry rap song they played earlier.

So basically, I can see why people thought MTV was so revolutionary when it came out, what with music on television and babes in comical 80s stockings and denim jackets. Now, like the very music that it played, it has become part of the establishment and doesn't have that same edge of revolution. My biggest complaint, though, is that Guns n' Roses hadn't formed by 1981.