Would you please enter your phone number?

I made a pretty happy discovery yesterday: it looks like I can save some money on automobile insurance this year by switching to a different provider (oddly enough, not Geico). I had been using a certain online provider that has a cartoon trying to convince me to save the world by going paperless or something, and they don't have actual stores so it's all online or over the phone, which reminded me of something I hate. (I know, surprised, right?)

Have you ever called into an automated system and they ask you to enter a phone number or social security number or something? I have. The computer knows who you are, they can tell you your upcoming balance, your service plan, your whatever. But as soon as your fight your way through the labyrinthine thicket that is that computerized navigation system, the person makes you give them all that information all over again. There is nothing you can tell me that will convince me that this is not asinine.

There are a few conclusions I can draw from this: 1) Their technology is not sophisticated enough to tell the person who is calling, even though the Homework Hotline at my college could do that, 2) they don't trust their computer system to deliver the proper information, 3) they enjoy being inconvenient. All of which are good options.

So, the moral of the story is that the computerized navigations are stupid, and they don't have to be. Come on, non-threatening electronic voice. Step up your game.

Here are a couple of phrases that I hate

I probably come across as an authoritarian agressor when it comes to proper speech usage, commercial likes, and decision making. That's not that true. I respect your preference to like stupid stuff, so long as you respect my right to criticize it. You can, of course, defend yourself (as you should), but chances are you are wrong anyway and will not win.

This is especially the case if you make a habit of using a particular set of words or phrases. My mom has a huge list, while most of hers are common errors made with actual words, notably the inexplicable "supposably" pronunciation for supposedly, which, in her mind, is grounds for sterilization. I have issues with that sometimes too, but I also have issues with words that are used that probably should not be nearly as often as they are. Let's take a look, shall we?

• Myself - This is one of the former complaints. This is misused all the time. It is the reflexive pronoun used for emphasis or reflection, like when the subject and object of a verb are the same: for instance, "I laughed so hard at their grammar mistakes that I peed myself." It is not a replacement for the standard nominative (I) or objective (me) pronouns like, "John and myself will empty the tiger's cage" or "Please send the shoes filled with champagne to either Hector or myself." No dice.
• Utilize - This is a longer word that means the same thing as use without bringing anything extra to the soup. This word should be used never.

I used an unnumered list, the inferior form of list, because I could only think of two at the time of writing this and a numbered list of 2 looks tacky, and quite frankly, we're all better that that. If you feel the need to demonstrate, please add your distasteful phrases in the comment section.

That line is there for a reason

I drive home from work pretty much every day that I drive there. Yesterday was an exception, because I worked my first 12 hour shift. It was just as awesome as you think it would be. Part of my commute includes time on an expressway, which, as you are probably aware, involves retard drivers and on ramps. There are retard drivers on every sort of road, but on expressways, they move faster. Which is good news for everyone.

As speed magnifies dumbassery on the road, the on ramps are the portals by which that behavior is applied to the efficient expressways we all know and love from the tangle of back roads and pedestrians. Stupid things, of course, happen in town, too, so do not think I am trying to minimize that. It is just that I do not drive in town every day, so that is not something that irritates me on quite as regular a basis.

Have you ever been entering the highway and not quite reach the driving lane out of the acceleration lane and behind somebody else, when the jerk behinds you departs the acceleration lane early and pulls around you into the driving lane? That guy deserves, at a minimum, to have his tires slashed. There's that wide triangle shaped strip that (while I'm not traffic signage expert) probably means, "Don't do that, jerkface." Not only that, but that guy cuts me off as I try to pass that slowpoke in front of me.

That sucks, too. When you get stuck in a line of people behind a guy holding everyone up; they cannot be sure that it's not you. I feel like I need to hold up a sign saying, "It's not me! Let me out of this prison! I won't slow you down!" Then again, I am occasionally guilty of that practice. There are certain crimes on the road that are more serious than others. Vehicular manslaughter, for instance. I, however, will fly into a rage when the guy behind me departs prematurely out of the acceleration lane. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

You can't shorten "title"

I was watching 30 Rock the other day (fantastic show, by the way) and a speech practice that was used that made a character purposefully look like a douche bag for comedic effect. Now, I'm all for laughing at douche bags, but even this practice makes me leery because a friend did this very same thing "ironically" recently. As far as I know, he is not otherwise a douche bag, (I have never seen him use a Bluetooth headset or cheer for a Boston sports team, for instance).

I have previously discussed shortening phrases and I think we can all agree that I was totally right: shortening phrases is an affront to God. Now, looking a little bit further, like we saw on 30 Rock, there is a practice of shortening words, too. The character on the shjow asked his personal assistant to make room on his "schedj" for a date with Liz Lemon. Good for him, but his assistant's proper response should have been, "If you ever say 'schedj' again, I will walk out of here in two shakes of the lammie's tail." He later does, and she does not quit. At least, not on camera. (I sometimes like to fill in what happens in other scenes not shown for the ancillary characters during commercials, and in my version of the episode she quits by peeing on his shoes.)

Other words that follow this patter are sitch (situation), natch (naturally), offish (official[ly]), delish (delicious), and so on. My mom has always had a problem with poli(tical) sci(ence), but my brother deicded to major in it. College class names are trickier, too, because they have long and absurd names that probably need to be shortened. My college classes all had nicknames (the most delicious of which was Meatballs), beyond the ordinary things like calc, chem and freshman comp. For whatever reason, these were never particularly offensive to me. Although, differential equations was a battleground between two factions: those enlightened scholars who favored "D.E." and the rampaging and uncouth barbarians who pushed for Diffey Q. Clearly the latter are fools and deserve no more of our attention.

This could have also probably been filed under dealbreakers. I don't quite know how you justify a pronunciation as an invention, or you better believe this would be in the terrorists' aresenal. Feel free to add any shortened words that deserve to be punishable by waterboarding in the comments and watch 30 Rock this week.

Where's the third ring?

I'm pretty sure I'm not crazy on this one: I don't understand the Family Circus. I don't mean that it looks like Greek letters and alien shapes, I recognize that it's a comic composed of images and dialogue intended to portray a scene or story, but I can't figure out what the Family Circus's motivation or appeal is. It's not really a story. Is it because I don't have children? Is that why it seems like a waste of newspaper ink to me?

Let me clarify, though, that the Family Circus is not as maddeningly offensive as, say, Frank and Earnest. It's just confusing. Why is this comic so universally popular? Am I on crazy pills? Let me cite an example that I found on the family circus website, which if this blog ever gets readership I will probably have to take down or risk being sued:


When I say I don't understand it, it's not that I don't know what it's saying, even though for a Floridian the concept of icy sidewalks is about as familiar as tse tse flies biting Bengal Tigers while aborigines watch while playing the accordion. I have conceptual understanding that ice forms in the winter on sidewalks and it's slippery, increasing the risk of falling, or sliding, if you will. I get the "joke." Only, it's not a joke. This is a bad pun dressed up as cute because a child (presumably his?) said it. Aww, adorable. No. This is a newspaper. There is no room for adorable, Trixie Flagston aside.

I want to know who it is that looks for this everyday. I want to know if having children will make this comic seem less like something only boring people enjoy to something I look for all the time. If enjoying Family Circus is what I have to look forward to in parenthood, I am going to never stop drinking Mountain Dew.

Stealing Bad Commercials

Have you guys seen the Pizza Hut commercial where they all go in and eat some fancy looking pasta, and, oh my gosh, the chef comes in and says that it's really Pizza Hut? You know, this advertising masterpiece? Everybody there gets a good chuckle, and one even says something like, "I like it better now" at the end.

You know, if it were me, I would be pretty darned pissed (that is, assuming that this isn't completely staged, which it clearly is) if I took my date out for Italian (although, it would probably have to be at least like a fifth date, because I don't like girls to see me eat noodles too early in a relationship. I'm messier than I am happy with being) and it turned out that it was really Pizza Hut, I would demand a refund. If I were at a seafood restaurant and Captain D came out and said, "Hey guys, it's fast food!" Engineer Sighted would have to have a mutiny on the Captain's ship. Although I could probably figure out that something was up. Unless it was a Northern, cold-water or freshwater fish, of which I am woefully ignorant.

This is not a good commercial. What makes this even weirder is that Hardee's ripped it off almost exactly. Don't believe me? Check this out, fools. The only difference is they are only trying to hoodwink one person, rather than the entire restaurant. That's laziness. If I'm tricking people in a restaurant, I am going for complete deception. Sometimes I tell the hostess that my name is Roger McDormand. (My name is not Roger McDormand.) And you know what? They never figured it out. If there is a person in there who is on to my game, then I have failed. And that's what I have to say about Hardee's. Failure. McDormand, party of 2, your table is ready.

I'm not Mr. Rogers yet

I found myself watching Family Guy, kind of by accident, and saw the latest installment of the Alltel commercials featuring Chad. I wanted to write about how aggravated I am by both of those things, but I didn't want to repeat myself. Although I do want to say again that Family Guy is really daggum overrated.

The thing that made me even more aggravated about the latest installment of the Alltel commercial (other than the fact that I wasted my college career studying engineering instead of marketing where I could have probably had an easier go of it and make more money because I'm not retarded) is that they ruined the large vans with wizards painted on them. No longer are those vans with giant wizards painted on the side limited to stoners and people who would rather be driving motorcycles. Apparently now it's for screwups trying to sell cell phones.

I, of course, have concerns about running out of new material, but I feel like this is a battle that needs to be renewed periodically. Both of them. It was like the tv gods were teasing me by rubbing my nose, naughty kittenlike, into the mess that they made. Family Guy isn't that funny. If you meet the actor who plays Chad, make fun of him for selling his dignity. Ask him how prostitution feels. And not the good kind.

It's just not worth it

You know how exciting new gadgets are when they seemingly make life easier, but really don't accomplish all that much? I remember when I was a kid, I really wanted a phone that could be a speakerphone. I don't know why; I just thought it was cool. As it turns out, it was not cool. It wasn't even useful. What does an 8 year old need with a speakerphone in his bedroom?

This thing has been out for a while. And frankly, I apologize for being so slow moving on this. This should have been my first post. The bluetooth headset might be the dumbest product ever made. I know you are probably thinking, "But Mr. Sighted, it's hands free!" So was the speakerphone. Doesn't make it any less retarded. Also, you can't use one and not look like a douche bag.

This guy is probably a douche bag.

Maybe it's an issue of unfulfilled fantasies of being Madonna. Maybe it's a question of having such an inflated sense of self-worth that the people who use these that they can't put down the latte in their left hand to hold a telephone. I hate people who carry lattes outside of places that serve lattes and I hate when people are talking on the phone without clearly holding a phone so it makes them sound like the sort of people who are yelling about Nixon on a subway and smell like a ripened combination of Mad Dog and pee. I don't care what the explanation is, I just think you should stop.

Invented by Terrorists: The NFL Network

I am an NFL fan. I follow the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and have an affinity for the Colts because they do their spring training at my alma mater. But when they play each other, I want to see Gaines Adams hit Peyton Manning so hard that he knocks the upside-down horseshoe on his helmet right side up.

If you got a newspaper today (which I didn't), you probably saw a lot of editorials and ads by the NFL apologizing that your cable provider doesn't carry the NFL network. I did manage to get a hold of a USA Today today, and there was both a letter to the editor from the president of the network and a full page ad by the NFL apologizing and another large ad unveiling NFL.com live. There was also a staff editorial calling shenanigans on the NFL. And you know what? The NFL needs a good kick in the pants.

You see, tonight is a big game. The Dallas Cowboys are playing the Green Bay Packers. If you don't know what a Packer is, just take my word for it: this is going to be a fun game to watch. If you have an HDTV, you can play a game where you try to count Brett Favre's gray hairs. (It's 67, by the way.)

I am one of the chosen few to get the NFL network. My cable provider is some wacky corner store variety of company, meaning they aren't involved in the politics of the situation. I'm pretty sure that I got a free hot dog or something for choosing them (even though I had to). I tuned in to watch the star of There's Something About Mary play against the Romosexual, and you know what I saw? If you guessed a football game, you'd be wrong.

I saw a special on football in some city in Ohio. And it wasn't Cincinnati, Cleveland or Columbus. Not that it would have mattered if it were. It was some small town, I don't remember what it was exactly, but I think it was something like Whogivesadamn. But I did get a little ticker at the top saying, "Your carrier doesn't do the football games. Call and bitch about it." I could not believe it. I get the NFL Network, but I don't get the games? Do you know what else is on the NFL Network? Nothing. This network somehow manages to make cheerleader tryouts boring. Cheerleader tryouts.

So, I am with the USA Today Editorial Board on this one. I'm on the side of the Empire, the Soviet Union, Wal-Mart, the New York Yankees and people who say "I know, right?". The cable companies are right. Why should the cable carries charge us a boatload of money for a channel that shows two games a week in the last half of the season, if you're lucky? Thumbs down, NFL, thumbs down.

You know he was Nightcrawler, too

The weather is turning cold again. This is terrible. I don't know what sort of brain defect causes people to form sentences like, "I'm so glad the weather is cooling off." I equate this to the same sorts of people who do crazy things like collect stamps or use "antique" as a verb. I know what you're thinking: "But it'll snow!" You know what? That sucks too. Snow is great in two places: on vacation and a post card. Otherwise, snow = terrible. It looks nice at first, then it gets gross and dirty and makes your socks wet. Go antiquing for stamps, jerk.

It also means that people start getting sick. The crazy changes in climate affect people in ways that lower their orange juice defenses. I don't pretend to understand it, I just know that it's flu season now based on the number of e-mails I get at work trying to convince me to get a flu shot. I'm not getting one, and here's why: I'm invincible.

I don't get sick anymore. I haven't gotten sick in a very long time, either. I think this is one of my beneficial super powers. I'm due a good one after getting shafted on not being able to sleep in and detecting ammonia. Not getting sick is pretty great, because you know how much it sucks when you have a cold? I don't, because I can't remember. I sneeze sometimes, but sneezing is pretty fun. I wish I could sneeze on command. But I'm not stuffy, I'm not drowsy and I don't have a sore throat. Mario's Starman has got nothing on me.

Hey guys, what is?

I hate when people use phrases that are shortened to the point of incompleteness. I am not talking about the now mainstream internet lingo, like IDK, my BFF Jill?, which is its own brand of infuriating. I am talking about when people say things like, "I am on my way to grab a vegan spring roll and a mineral water. Would you like to come with?" My opinion of ending things with prepositions notwithstanding, this is the sort of sentence that would make want to cause as much offense as possible: by walking away without even answering the question and ordering a hamburger at the nearest, greasiest location that served one. Then kicking a nearby dog for good measure.

There are others, too. See you in a few. A few what? Seconds? Days? I know you are probably thinking something along the lines of, "That's clearly context related, Engineer." You know what else is context related? Your face. How is that better than saying, "See you in a few minutes," or "See you in a bit," which is the same length. Or, if you're really that lazy, "See you"? That removes the completely ambiguous and unnecessary statement of "a few." My seventh grade biology teacher used to say, "No naked numbers!" and this reminds me of that. She said she meant that we were to always include unites with our numbers, but I always thought that she secretly was just a little prudish and wanted to repress 4's sexuality. I'm not going answer these people until they tell me with whom or a few what. Finish your sentences, jerks.

I never really got on board with calling Ultimate Frisbee just "Ultimate" either. I feel like that would be like calling Super Mario Brothers "Super." [Don't misunderstand me: I'm not saying that Super Mario Brothers isn't super; I am saying it should be called "Mario."] I really hate things that are described by their modifier rather than the modified word. Consider this example: if someone offered you a peanut butter and milk, you would probably say, "What, like on a stick?" But you'd be missing out, because he really meant peanut butter cookies, and it wouldn't be your fault! Nobody calls peanut butter cookies just peanut butters, or pound cake pound. How come Ultimate Frisbee gets this exception? I don't have time to ponder this question, because I have to go in a few. Hey, do you want to come with? No? Well, I hope you keep reading How.

Rollercoaster... I hate that song.

I feel I must apologize again for my low output lately. My life has been a series of ups and downs, each down more up than the last, and vice versa. But don't you for a second think I'm going to complain about my life or job on How Observant. I hate blogs like that. If you really gave a damn what was going on in my life you'd call me or something. You didn't, so let's not waste any time. I'm pretty sure I made a promise early on in the life of this blog that I wouldn't talk about garbage like that. I observe in entertaining fashion, hence the title.

I was reminded about one of my chief missions just as I was sitting down for this entry, in fact. One of those stupid AT&T commercials came on -- the Wes Anderson ones where he lives in New Hautelantaugustemson -- and it occurred to me that I need to cover some of those terrible, terrible commercials that are out there again. Wes Anderson, although I am rather fond of his movies (and usually his commercials) did not have a hit with this series. His American Express commercial cracked me right up, though.

The good news for Mr. Anderson is that he's not alone right now. I think a the top of the list, undoubtedly, is Wendy's. There is always a one character doing something absurd while wearing the Wendy's crayon red hair. And, you know, absurdity is sometimes good ("Find the Fish" anyone?) but these people suck at it. Just show us your square hamburgers and be done with it. Kicking trees, playing the didgeridoo in a freezer and turning into a non-blue Veruca Salt just isn't getting the job done. These commercials make me want to go to McDonald's. Ponder that one.

Also, Best Buy. There is a commercial where the customer and the salesman are discussing HDTV, and they are not talking in complete sentences. At one point, the customer says that he likes cowboy explosions, and that's pretty awesome. I can't think of a movie that couldn't be improved with cowboy explosions. Maybe Phantoms.

I do feel the need to give some positive remarks to Geico, though. They parlayed a successful commercial series into a television program. And they have another awesome series right now, with Lauren Wallace (who is made of lightning), the cousin of Mike Wallace. I love those commercials. Take a note, Wendy's, and see what a real commercial looks like.

Invented by Terrorists: Mosquitoes

Wherever you go, people complain about the mosquitoes. The thing is, they're all wrong, except the Floridians and swamp people. The rest of you should simply smile and say, "Man, I'm glad the mosquitoes here don't organize." We have union mosquitoes down here, and they are angry at the other mosquitoes for taking their jobs.

The people in Indiana seemed to think that they had bug problems. They don't. When I was a freshman, local Hoosiers used to try to tell me with a straight face that you wanted to be careful near woods in the summer time. I did the polite thing and did not laugh in their faces. Think of it like this: somebody from Buffalo comes to see you, and you tell him that you're expecting a harsh winter with a lot of snowfall. The guy from Buffalo takes you at face value and gets his snow shovel and ski jacket ready. Eight inches of snow falls, and the locals are crying "Woe is me." The guy from Buffalo goes to the store in shorts, and is irate to find out that the stores are closed because of the snow.

That's how I feel about mosquitoes. As far as I'm concerned, the mosquito population in Indiana has been eradicated. Spending some time in South Carolina, I started thinking, "Maybe these guys can run with the big boys." Then I came home yesterday. It had been a long time since I had been down here in the summer (about a year, go figure) and I had simply forgotten. Granted, the Palmetto State looks like Biblical Plagues compared to the Midwest, but it's like go-karts versus the Daytona 500 down here.

Part of it is the rain. It tends to rain very heavily very quickly almost everyday in the summer. That is the same thing for mosquitoes as a bottle blond yelling out "I'm drunk!" at a frat party. The douchebags all come out. So, I hadn't even been out of the car in the Sunshine State for fifteen minutes before I was assaulted. If mosquitoes were tigers, I'd be dead by now. Hell, if the mosquitoes were angry kittens I'd be ripped to shreds. The next time you complain about bugs outside of Florida or a swamp, you better be getting infected with some sort of disease. Just ask yourself, Which Side are you on?

Personal Karma

Some time ago I institute a policy that if I saw a douchey looking guy with a girl who appeared out of his league, it was my obligation as an American and a human being to be a jerk to said guy to help him remain humble. It is my small way of trying to help balance out the universe. I'm only one man, but I think I can really make a difference.

I feel similarly about jobs when dudes get them who clearly don't deserve them. Like Ashton Kutcher (who fits in the first category as well) or Seth McFarlane. If I ever run into either of those people and they drop a pen, I am not going to pick it up for either of them. Also, I try not to laugh at their jokes and campaign against them. It's even worse when they suck at a job that I wish I had. Our buddy Seth has one, as does Scoop Jackson. I would feel a little bit better if they sat at home, crying into their poorly written tv scripts and sports columns, wishing they could be engineers. But it still doesn't make it ok.

The one who deserves it most, though, is Michael Moore. He's got that new movie Sicko coming out. I went to see Fahrenheit 9/11 in the theaters, and I felt like those people who first move to the United States and see that there's a way to win a free trip to Disney World and then it turns out it's a pyramid scheme or a cult recruitment or something. I was completely duped. It wasn't a documentary at all! He's a big fat liar. And I know that's a lazy joke, but it had to be done.

I don't like to get political in this space, and although this isn't completely politically motivated, it could be construed that way when I say this: don't go see that movie in the theaters. I'd encourage you not to rent it either, but if you must watch it, do so in a way that will minimize the amount of money that Moore will get from it. Because he's a manipulative filmmaker who claims to be a purveyor of fact. I have a higher opinion of Chad than I do manipulative filmmakers who claim to be purveyors of fact.

People like them, too. It's like the unpopular kids/jocks dilemma all over again. These people have convinced the public to like them even though they aren't really that talented. Punk'd? Come on, Ashton. Do you really need to apostrophize the e? And Seth, give it a freakin' rest already. And Michael. Oh, Micheal. You had such potential, but you just couldn't avoid being a big fat hypocrite. Yes, I went there twice.

Come and get your intense, passionate hatred

I can't take it anymore. I just can't. Every time I see a commercial for Alltel, it makes me hate the hate the Jacksonville Jaguars. Chad, the personification of Alltel, goes on wacky misadventures with the personifications of Cingular, Verizon, T-Mobil and Sprint, and of course, Chad always comes out on top, with the other folks coming off as big nerds. Except, the problem is those misadventures are so inane and the plots make so little sense and Chad is so unlikeable that it's really fortunate for Chad and my desire not to sleep in jail that my super powers don't include the ability to murder with my thoughts.

The most recent one, I think, is where a woman finds Chad on the street and asks him about the plan and then a van pulls up with the four stooges and confronts her about leaving them with her kidnapped pug, Fluffy. Except (plot twist!) it's not her dog, it's some large burly looking man (playing on the femininity of the dog and its name) who chases the four of them away. There are a few questions this raises (note: it does not beg it): why are the four other companies working together, why does Chad wear his hair like that, and who is this burly guy and why would they think his dog belonged to this woman? I hate these commercials so much it makes my teeth boil.

There are others, of course. One involving a "What level dungeon master are you?" "Dungeon masters don't have levels! (snort) Dork." Which on its face is fine, except until this point in the series, we haven't established that the four should be considered as nerds in the sense. It's just a non sequitur that looks like it's trying to hard to be funny. Which it clearly isn't. This exchange follows some pinching. Or precedes it. What difference does it make. There's also something involving slamming a laptop shut, but that's in another commercial.

I still can't figure out why there are so many bad commercials out there, and beyond that, bad commercial series. I can't honestly be the only person who hates that. If any of you say, "Hey, I like those commercials and/or Chad!" then you don't deserve to vote. I don't think I'm being too harsh. Alltel might be approaching Taco Bell levels of obnoxiousness. And truthfully, I'm kind of astonished I lasted this long before complaining about this. Oh good, look what's on tv now: a Taco Bell commercial. It is a good thing I can't murder with my thoughts.

Stick 'em up

I don't like the feeling of sticky things on my skin. I never have. I can't explain it, but it's one of those things like when people say, "I don't like mayonnaise," and if you ask, "Have you tried it?" and they say, "No. I just don't." I'm not going to interrogate you any further about your mayonnaise (even though it really makes sandwiches scrumptious), don't try to get me to explain about sticky things. Because I can't. Even though I will concede that mayonnaise doesn't make a lot of sense as to why it is good; it's whipped oil and egg yolk. It doesn't seem like it should be good, but it is. I was trying to think of a funny analogy to follow this up with, but the first thing I could think of was a computational model that we talked about in class the other day that works but has no theoretical basis. Good Lord I need to get out more.

You know when you pour Coke into a glass with ice in it, and the bubbles fly up like a foot above the glass? If you hold your arm over the glass in the path of the bubbles, they get the syrupy sugar on them. That feeling happens with a variety of food/drink spillages, and I will practically take a bath in the kitchen sink if it happens to me. The worst is when you have a small spill on the counter top and you have to clean up with a rag or paper towels or something; I end up washing my hands like three times between each stage because I don't want to accidentally get sticky on something in the kitchen, lest I touch it later. I need to put the sticky under quarantine. I do admit, though, that I feel a little like a psychopath when this happens.

This isn't just limited to food. I also hate (though I can tolerate) sticky name tags. I generally try to avoid them if I can. I don't always want people knowing who I am anyway -- in case later I decide I want to be a superhero. Band-aids are also to be avoided, but sometimes they just can't be. I really have to struggle with that, though, if the cut is really worth it. It's really an agonizing time when I accidentally miss the onion and hit my thumb for a variety of reasons.

Every once in a while, I'll step on something, and the bottom of my foot will inexplicably be sticky. I think this can happen with other appendages as well, but the feet get into places that others don't. Who knows what's on floors! I sure don't. But right now, there is something on my right foot that sticks a little bit to the carpet, and I hate it. When I run my hands over my foot (not the best solution, because I might be spreading this horrible symptom, but sacrifices have to be made), I feel nothing. It's like this particular stickiness knows I'm coming. I'll get the last laugh, though, when I shower. That's like the atomic bomb in this situation, and I'm not afraid to use it.

What's the polite way to say "I don't care and leave me alone"?

You have to know people like this. I know I'm not alone on this one. I have more than one, and I can only expect to collect more as my life progresses. A relative, a family friend, an acquaintance you don't really like, or whatever who sends you e-mail forwards and videos or pictures that you have no interest in reading or watching. The good ones are the ones that just assume you read them (or don't) and leave their e-mail universe separate from the real one. The people I am talking about, though, are the ones who insist on following up by asking, "Did you see the _____ I sent you?"

I hate those people. Even though they are my family, I don't think I'm being unfair. I'm not a picture person, and anything that you guarantee is hilarious probably isn't. If it was, I'd have heard of it by now. I don't really care that your nephew dressed up as an Irish Abe Lincoln for St. Patrick's Day. I don't want you to send me inspirational forwards. I don't want to read internet jokes in my e-mail. If the jokes were good, they would be told by comedians for money not passed around by jerks like you for free on the internet.

The tricky part is that it's hard to tell them to stop sending them to me. They're relatives or friends who think they're doing me a favor by sharing something great with me. But, the sad thing is, it's not great and it's more an inconvenience than a favor for me. I don't want to be a jerk about it, but really, I think somebody needs to be a jerk to these people. Don't get me wrong, I think pictures involving cats are hilarious, but kittens hugging puppies doesn't do it for me. I'm a dude. I want to see a kitten removing some chick's bra. That'd hilarious.

I think that's really the problem with generally nice people. They want to be helpful, so it's not like they're being obnoxious on purpose. Or maybe it's a problem with people who have bad senses of humor; it doesn't matter. I still hate it. The moral of the story is stop sending me forwards.

We are a nation of innovators

This is my 100th post in How Observant. Isn't that exciting? I didn't think so either. 100 is kind of a lot, though, and I hope that I am progressing as I do this. Progressing as an observer and the occasional humorist. I'd like to put that on my business cards someday -- Engineer Sighted, Occasional Humorist. I'm only funny on Thursdays. Sorry guys, you'll have to drop in on my tomorrow to get a laugh.

Technology is doing a better job than me at progressing, certainly over the last 100 somethings -- I could say years, since we went from the Wright Flyer to the 777 in that stretch of time, that's pretty impressive. Or toilet paper reaching that second ply. Softer bathroom tissue is definitely a more significant milestone than having tv sets in the chairs in front of you while you fly to Amsterdam, at least on an everday level. I use toilet paper a lot more often than I fly to Amsterdam.

Cell phones are another good one. You can go to a 100 units of time much smaller than years to see progress there. 100 months, or even fortnights would get us from the RAZR to the SLVR, and that's obviously monumental. (I, personally, am still using a Nokia brick that I like to call the Soviet Phone Mark II. It's a 3595, if that means anything to you. The original Soviet Phone was an Ericcson that weighed like 3 pounds and reminded me of the one Zach Morris used to carry around, only less stylish.)

There are some developments, that are much less revolutionary.The electric stapler is one that immediately comes to mind. Ordinarily, I'm all for applying technology to things that don't really need it (for example, a cat that doubles as an electric can opener) but this one really kind of bothers me. I think it might actually be less convenient than the manual version. Then again, speed stapling isn't really something that's easy to do under any circumstances. Although, I do confess that whenever I need to get something stapled in the office I use the electric one, mostly for novelty sake.

I'd like to see more electric three hole punches. I'm not completely positive that they exist, but I'm pretty sure they must because one would be way more useful than an electric stapler, and I've never been to an office that doesn't have one of those. I'm kind of shocked that three hole punches are as unreliable as they are, actually. Rarely do I have a completely successful trip to one of those office supples. It usually takes a second pass, and that's a relatively good time. Sometimes the punches get stuck, or sometimes the punches have been rearranged because the guy ahead of your decided it might be fun to put the middle one closer to the top of the page for ha has.

Anyway, enjoy your 2007 Valentine's Day, which is extra special since it falls also on 100th How Observant Post day, which ought to be celebrated in some way. Phone calls and flights to Europe seem like good options, as does chasing a Siamese cat with a can of Bush's honey flavored baked beans.

Slang is so clever

You can probably tell that I am picky about language. There are words and grammar I try to stay away from, like on-lineisms and ending a sentence with a preposition, because I am educated. There are, however, slang words that some people used that irritate me to no end. I think it's a function of overuse, but really, I don't think I need a reason for things to irritate me. Like Rachel Ray, for example. She's comparatively nice looking, I'm sure her food is delicious, but she's just too much. Too much what I can't say.

The word I recently heard that set me off was the slang word "rock" for diamond. I wish I could tell you why this is unsettling to me, but I really have nothing to say about it. Maybe it has something to do with rock being slang for like anything -- diamond, football, testicle -- but in the context of diamonds, just say diamond. Another one is "do you want to come with?" when they really mean "do you want to come with me/us?" English isn't Spanish; pronouns aren't optional, particularly object pronouns. "Shrooms" is almost on this level. It suffers from overuse. Sure, the drug angle was kind of funny the first time you hear it referring to a portabella or shiitakes because it's a little incongruous. It's not funny enough to ever hear it again, though.

I'm sure there are others; there always are. There are some ok ones, too, but at the moment I can't think of any. That's the problem with this sort of outlet. I need a little tablet to keep in my back pocket so that I can track of these things and when the list gets long enough. Until that time, stop using "rock" in place of diamond.

Even Hall and Oates?

If you ask ten people or so what kind of music they listen to, I would wager than about five of them will say, "Oh, I like all kinds of music." You know what I think? I think they're liars, that's what. Nobody listens to all kinds of music. There is something out there that makes you say, "I swear to God, if I have to hear another Boston song, I will commit an act of arson." Or, bagpipes. Lots of people hate bagpipes. Not me though; if I could figure out a way, I'd have bagpipes play (in this order) Auld Lang Syne, You Might Think by the Cars and Happy Birthday every year on my birthday. (My birthday is on New Year's Day, which explains Auld Lang Syne.)

But more than Boston, I think I am tired of the Eagles. I honestly can say that if I hear Take it Easy on the radio one more time I am going to burn down a gas station. Or library. But then again, this isn't about me, because I definitely do not listen to all kinds of music. I'm actually a little ashamed that my near encyclopaedic (I chose the British spelling to be extra pretentious) of classic rock music has not translated into an interest in current music. I'm working on it, though, I promise.

People who say they like all kinds of music probably don't really care that much about music as an art form. That's my conclusion. If you are equally at home listening to, say, Ashlee Simpson as you are Miles Davis or Eric Clapton or Juice Newton or Parliament or Ricky Martin, really, can your opinions on music be trusted? Can your opinions on anything be trusted? This has been a pretty italics heavy post so far.

Here's what I have to say about this whole ordeal: just man up and commit to music. The crazy thing is you don't have to be monogamous or anything! Why is this so hard? Are you worried that when you run for Congress, somebody's going to be offended you forgot to mention you like reggae? I am offering two possible actions that I think are reasonable the next time somebody says that they like all music: simply walk away, mid-sentence, or punch them in the side. I have a Peaceful Easy Feeling that this will work out great.