Reaching out and touching

Hey everyone, it's that time again -- cell phone time. I've come to you before with this issue, but I didn't pull the trigger because my job wouldn't let me have one before. Now the world is a different place, I can play with toys at work, and my phone needs to start picking up some of the intellectual slack in this relationship.

Dr. Sighted has largely settled on the iPhone, because "it has more medical apps." Sure it does. But, as for me, the world is my oyster. I'm pretty sure that there is 4G to be had in our area, and I think I want it. I've never had any Gs before, but settling for less than 4 really seems irresponsible at this juncture based on what I know so far.

I am AT&Ter at the moment, but she's a Verizonist (it's a mixed marriage) and we have pretty much decided that I'm going to convert since the reception is better a work for her kind. I am trying to sort out whether I want a Samsung Charge, LG Revolution or HTC Thunderbolt or just doing the simple thing and iPhoning myself. Do any of you have any thoughts? There are rumors all over the place about awesome new phones right around the corner, and I don't to be further left behind. Then again, I'm on the Trabant of cell phones right now (an improvement over the Soviet Phone Mark II, at least), so will I really miss not being on the leading edge? That's a silly question; as awesome as I am, I deserve the best.

Would you please enter your phone number?

I made a pretty happy discovery yesterday: it looks like I can save some money on automobile insurance this year by switching to a different provider (oddly enough, not Geico). I had been using a certain online provider that has a cartoon trying to convince me to save the world by going paperless or something, and they don't have actual stores so it's all online or over the phone, which reminded me of something I hate. (I know, surprised, right?)

Have you ever called into an automated system and they ask you to enter a phone number or social security number or something? I have. The computer knows who you are, they can tell you your upcoming balance, your service plan, your whatever. But as soon as your fight your way through the labyrinthine thicket that is that computerized navigation system, the person makes you give them all that information all over again. There is nothing you can tell me that will convince me that this is not asinine.

There are a few conclusions I can draw from this: 1) Their technology is not sophisticated enough to tell the person who is calling, even though the Homework Hotline at my college could do that, 2) they don't trust their computer system to deliver the proper information, 3) they enjoy being inconvenient. All of which are good options.

So, the moral of the story is that the computerized navigations are stupid, and they don't have to be. Come on, non-threatening electronic voice. Step up your game.

iTunes? More like iSuck! No wait, that came out wrong...

Apple has done a great jo cornering the market on cool. Their gadgets and computers and cell phones are what it is to be cool in electronics right now. Kind of like Chevy Chase was for that brief year in 1975. If Apple made a toilet, hipsters would line up to do something like mix trendy drinks in them while listening to Vampire Weekend. What do hipsters drink? Zima? Do they still make that anymore?

I considered getting a Mac, because while no hipster, I am a marketing sheep. My interest in the iPhone is well documented and while I ended up not getting either one (the cost of a Macintosh computer made me want to vomit in my mouth), I did buy an iTouch. It is pretty phenomenal, actually, and proably the coolest thing I am likely to buy for some time, even though I am Paul McCartney tickets. It feels a little anxiety inducing to spend as much as he wants to his play his violin shaped bass, but it is getting better all the time.

My only complaint on the magnificent iPod (and is a growing complaint) is that usint iTunes, the software rudder that steers the entire iFleet, is a horrendously flamty experience. I don't know how everyone doesn't bring this up when talking about Apple products. So much of the Apple lineup is considered cool and accessible and what not (we used a Power ac in the Film Clu in college and it made me get all tingly inside -- sadly, they made me write on the social and technological equivalent of stone tablets), but iTunes, their ambassador the PC World, is like the equivalent of having Joe Biden deliver a speech when Barack Obama is sitting down next to him eating M&Ms.

The interface is not intuitive, it is not fast and it is not flexible while pretty much all of the qualities Apple wants us to think of when we think of them. The corporation has a very vertical organization, maintaining a sort of autocratic control of their products and software, which is delightfully ironic coming from a company that made an ad identifying its competition with Big Brother.

The default synchronization operation is to copy every music file I own to the 'Pod (what is with the iEverything anyway? I nGaeilge is the only place I've seen capital letters show up in the middle of the words...) How any people really want every mp3 they have on his or her player? I am not exactly Lester Bangs or Cameron Crowe, but all of ine doesn't fit and some of my music (gasp!) is kind of crappy (Sugar Sugar by the Archies? Really?) or at least not all of it is everyday material. It is a giant resource hog, too, and unless this is some cheeky, trendy form of self-sabotage, I don't get what their problem is. They also make a huge nagging production out of updating the version and make you couple it with Quicktime. If I wanted to be nagged about my music and movies, I'd have Jewish parents. (Jewish moms still nag, right?) As I am switching from one computer to a new one, my podcast schedule is really screwed up and it has not been obvious how to correct it and it took like 3 hours to fix my playlist because, I can only suspect, someone was mean to Apple founder Steve Jobs as a child and did this to get back him.

This is all particularly baffling because the iTouch itself is so completely the opposite. It took me like two seconds to do figure out how to do awesome stuff on it. I'm pretty sure I just found an app to make it a functional Star Trek phaser. My question is this: What's your deal, Apple? Did you decide "Hey, let's make like 90% of our stuff really cool, and the remaining 10%, the most critical 10% that the gadgets and things can't run without, the technological equivalent of gargling malt vinegar." I feel like we're getting a Steve Job on this.

Just a little outside

I have a very long commute to work in the morning. This has caused me to exceed the warranty on my car in a comically fast fashion (that, along with travel to such exotic locales as Atlanta, Clemson and the Homeland). Other benefits include consuming a lot of of radio (still haven't gotten an iPod or an iPhone. What is wrong with me?), some of which is talk radio. This prompted a certain friend of mine to say to me, "You listen to AM talk radio? What are you, like close to death old?" Yes. I am close to death old because I like to listen to ESPN radio and the news.

That last one might not help my cause, but if you look on my link section, you can see that my interest in the news is of a semi-professional interest. (I say "semi" because I don't get paid in actual "money.") The former, though, is completely in bounds, I think. I caught some of Mike and Mike this morning on the way in and was struck by something, though: a lot of people on the radio are not really that good. Sporst in particular has a bit of a weird issue with this, because sports jounralism is necessarily local (or at least regional) due to concentrated loyalties and interest. Try talking Big Ten football with a resident of Georgia or South Carolina. You'll be laughed all the way back to Columbus (OH). And rightfully so.

National sports figures are famous, frequently, for their non-sports production as much as they are for their sports broadcasting or content. Bill Simmons, Peter King, and John Madden (and Mike and Mike, for that matter). This is because, in my mind, ESPN.com, SI.com and ESPN radio have sufficiently large market share that they basically only have to put competent people out there to get an audience. How many people who use Windows or Internet Explorer o so because they tried all the competition and liked it best? My guess is the same number of pirates who don't regret trying to capture the Maersk Alabama.

This leads me to my most paramount rule of irritation when consuming media: if I (or someone I know) can do a job better than a professional making millions of dollars, then that contract is probably ill-advised. I could not write an operating system or internet browser very well, so I'm going to let Bill Gates slide. But he knows I have my eye on him.

I think anyone who watches a lot of sports could do Mike and Mike's show. I think there are probably some rather intelligent pets that could write Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column. (A friend of mine insists that her Jack Russell has the vocabulary of a 5 year old!) Bill Simmons is talented but burnt out or lazy now or bored. The point is, if I watched sports for 25 hours a week, I could host a 3 hour talk show a day about it, especially if I had a friend with me. I could probably write a weekly column, too. If you put me on ESPN radio and published me on SI.com, people would listen and read because they are big media outlets. With backing like that, I could also even get players, press offices, agents and even owners to take my calls.

Really, what this tells me is that after all this driving in the mornings, I should just break down and buy an iPod Touch and be done with it. That way, I could get angry over podcasts, too.

No question prompting for a y/n ends well

You know what question bothers me a lot more than it should? It's not one of those cliches like paper or plastic, boxers or brief, or do you want fries with that. (Plastic, boxers and yes.) I know one of you clever jokesters is probably thinking something like, "Are you sure you're in the right restroom, ma'am? Oh, I'm sorry." Nor is it anything as scandalous as "Why on earth would you think she was over 18?" Sadly, both of those questions make better stories, but you will be enthralled by mine; a testament to my highly developed writing powers.

Using my clues, surely you have deduced that it is when automatic card readers say: "Credit or debit?" or "Debit? y/n." This offends my sensibilities for two reasons:

1. As you can see from my blogger name, I am an engineer. I work in a technological field, so that reflects on me personally, rightly or wrongly, in the same way that when my basketball team gets bounced in the first round by a team from *gasp* Michigan that's not Michigan State, it reflects poorly on the whole Clemson community. It's that personal.
2. I'm lazy.

I also noticed that you saw more colons in the previous paragraph than your average proctologist. I was going to apologize for that, but then I realized, colons (the punctuation) are great, while colons (the organ), that would demand an apology. I apologize for nothing.

The D or C question bothers me a lot. This card can hold a magnetic strip that contains my entire personal information and credit history* but they didn't think to add "Oh, by the way, this is a credit card"? How ludicrous is that? How different is the billing process anyway? What happens if I choose debit for my credit card? Will the pump take my gas back? Truthfully, that would almost be worth it.

I know there are probably other things I should worry more about. Like about AIDS in Africa and economic collapse and if we all be speaking Chinese in 20 years and what made Mike Myers stop being funny. You know what they say: I don't, I just wanted to throw in another colon.

*I have no idea what is on that magnetic strip, honestly.

Man, I wish I had an English accent

I bought a new cell phone this week. I passed on the iPhone, because I came out of my giddiness about a device that's very seductive that I don't actually need for $600. Also, I spent a pretty hefty chunk of dollars on my move, and I'd rather buy a lot of other things for $600. Like a stereo receiver, rent or oreos. Maybe a Playstation 3. Anyway, I got a lame Nokia flip phone (although I love the flip aspect of it) from AT&T. I say lame because it's functionality is limited to pretty much phone and camera, and I haven't used the camera for anything. I'm pretty sure Ansel Adams would have his thumb over the shutter with this thing. I think it's the 6085 for those of you keeping score at home.

I chose AT&T/Cingular for two reasons: my entire family uses it, so I can talk to them for free and for their commercials, which are not only the best cell phone commercials, but possibly the best commercials on tv right now. Having the best cell phone commercials is not a terribly impressive feat right now. I think that seeing how much of my whisk I can swallow would be competitive with the Alltel commercials for entertainment value, Verizon (it's the network) deserves no further mention, and T-Mobil doesn't use CZJ anymore. I don't remember what the other ones are, and I would be shocked to find that any of you actually want me to offer a synopsis of bothersome commercials. They suck, let's just leave it at that.

I think I need to clarify: it's the AT&T wireless broadband commercials that are great. It's not quite cellphones, but it's close enough in my book. That English (maybe not really English) guy "sneaking" up on the internet is such a wonderfully simple commercial. "Dug a hole! Didn't have to dig a hole, really. I did it to prove a point." It wouldn't work without the accent, and I don't care. I would watch a half hour of this guy. It's a shame, really, because I don't need that product. I might get it just to reward their ad people, though. "In hole! In a tree! In a bush! Would you like tea with that download? Yes, please. Thank you." Maybe I'm just a simple guy, but there needs to be more of this commercial. And less of that fratastic Chad from Alltel.

You win this round, ad men.

They've got me. I have no problem admitting it; the advertising has worked. When I first saw it, I didn't think I needed it. Now, I want it. I want an iPhone. I don't normally like trendy gadgets like this. I have never seen the need for a fancy cell phone, as I am using the Soviet Phone Mark II right now. I don't take pictures with my phone, because I'm not 13. I don't send text messages, because I'm not 13. I don't own an iPod, although I do like Apple's unconventional use of capitals in the middle of words. It reminds me of the Irish language. (For example, i mBéarla means in English, and I like it when a word starts with a non capital followed by a capital. It keeps me on my toes, lingually.)

So, this phone does pretty much everything a device this size can. It also looks cool and sexy. Apple products are frequently described as sexy, which is the sort of thing that you typically use to describe Hollywood actresses, not electronics. Can an iPod inspire the same physical response as Natalie Portman? Probably not. (Maybe, if you're talking about the post head shaving scene in V for Vendetta.) Isn't that a funny use of the word, though? It's almost universal. Read any review of a Power Mac, iPod or iPhone. You're going to see sexy come up somehow.

I also like the fact that the iPhone has no buttons. There really isn't anything more aggravating than improperly sized buttons. The Soviet Phone is doing ok, because the phone is gigantic (in cell phone world). A lot of free ones are too small, which is problematic, since when you are trying to push (or mash, for our Southern friends) the number 3, you'll actually get 236 on your tiny lcd screen. Apparently, iPhone's tiny keyboard when you're sending e-mails or text messages (will this phone turn me around on this, assuming I buy it?) is smart enough to figure out what you mean even though you might not necessarily hit the right keys. I think that Marlo may have been a little early looking for a $700 phone at the end of May.

Masterful Command of the Obvious (MCotO): My Microwave Oven

Sometimes when you start to heat up your hot pockets in the microwave, you can notice the LCD screen will give you information about what it's doing. It's usually something like "HIGH" to tell you what power level your little appliance is shooting radiation at your snack. Sometimes it's helpful; I'm sure that I have accidentally started regular power when I needed defrost. Really, those are the only two distinctions that are terribly necessary on this particular device. Are you going to freak out if you accidentally set your leftover pizza to "MED" instead of "HIGH"? Not really, because you can just cook it a little longer, unless you have a Monk-level case of OCD.

There are some other cases where it may be a little more serious. Popcorn, for example. Some people have a very specific time and setting at which their popcorn must be cooked. Understandable. This is not a problem with me, though; I worked at a movie theater in high school and now the smell of popcorn popping makes me coil into the fetal position while weeping and breaking out into hives. Although, if I ever am able to beat that, I would prefer my popcorn to be underpopped rather than overcooked.

The thing that caught my eye as I was reheating my delicious leftover stuffed shells (at the default setting, by the way) was that while the microwave was running, there is a little indicator that says "ON". Now, it's possible that I have a good deal more experience using microwave ovens than the rest of the population, but I happen to know that when the machine is running, it makes a sound and frequently activates a light that all serve as indicators that something is actually happening inside. I want to meet the guy whose idea it was to included that feature, and what explanation he gave as to its being necessary. Did they get letters asking, "When I put the food in, how do I know when the microwave is on?" I hope somebody stuck their head inside while it was running and prompted this.

We are a nation of innovators

This is my 100th post in How Observant. Isn't that exciting? I didn't think so either. 100 is kind of a lot, though, and I hope that I am progressing as I do this. Progressing as an observer and the occasional humorist. I'd like to put that on my business cards someday -- Engineer Sighted, Occasional Humorist. I'm only funny on Thursdays. Sorry guys, you'll have to drop in on my tomorrow to get a laugh.

Technology is doing a better job than me at progressing, certainly over the last 100 somethings -- I could say years, since we went from the Wright Flyer to the 777 in that stretch of time, that's pretty impressive. Or toilet paper reaching that second ply. Softer bathroom tissue is definitely a more significant milestone than having tv sets in the chairs in front of you while you fly to Amsterdam, at least on an everday level. I use toilet paper a lot more often than I fly to Amsterdam.

Cell phones are another good one. You can go to a 100 units of time much smaller than years to see progress there. 100 months, or even fortnights would get us from the RAZR to the SLVR, and that's obviously monumental. (I, personally, am still using a Nokia brick that I like to call the Soviet Phone Mark II. It's a 3595, if that means anything to you. The original Soviet Phone was an Ericcson that weighed like 3 pounds and reminded me of the one Zach Morris used to carry around, only less stylish.)

There are some developments, that are much less revolutionary.The electric stapler is one that immediately comes to mind. Ordinarily, I'm all for applying technology to things that don't really need it (for example, a cat that doubles as an electric can opener) but this one really kind of bothers me. I think it might actually be less convenient than the manual version. Then again, speed stapling isn't really something that's easy to do under any circumstances. Although, I do confess that whenever I need to get something stapled in the office I use the electric one, mostly for novelty sake.

I'd like to see more electric three hole punches. I'm not completely positive that they exist, but I'm pretty sure they must because one would be way more useful than an electric stapler, and I've never been to an office that doesn't have one of those. I'm kind of shocked that three hole punches are as unreliable as they are, actually. Rarely do I have a completely successful trip to one of those office supples. It usually takes a second pass, and that's a relatively good time. Sometimes the punches get stuck, or sometimes the punches have been rearranged because the guy ahead of your decided it might be fun to put the middle one closer to the top of the page for ha has.

Anyway, enjoy your 2007 Valentine's Day, which is extra special since it falls also on 100th How Observant Post day, which ought to be celebrated in some way. Phone calls and flights to Europe seem like good options, as does chasing a Siamese cat with a can of Bush's honey flavored baked beans.