Back to the Old...

Hey everyone, I have an announcement: I am going to stop keeping up Fear and Trembling in Augusta because I no longer live there. I was also never an especially big fan of Hunter S. Thompson. My wife (!) and I just moved to Charleston, SC, and the other blog just doesn't seem appropriate any longer. Dr. Sighted is starting residency, so hopefully I will have more time to keep up this space. I am also no longer writing for a paper or preparing Sunday School lessons, so I need to write somehow, right? I will also rescind my earlier promise of no politics in this space -- my vision for the future is that any topic is fair game here, from movies, to politics, my favorite chilis, religious themes (like in Fear and Trembling) but with a little less formality. I promise there will still be jokes, but I cannot promise they will still be funny.

I also noticed that I have a giant pile of spam comments, and some posts are more popular than others. This one has 35 comments on it, which is slightly higher than my previous high of like 4. I'm pretty sure I would have to post on some sort of controversy like we should execute all double parkers by hanging. I don't know if the uptick in spammers is representative of a an uptick in traffic, which would be swell, (I did notice an upswing in followers -- Hello new folks) but it's still troubling. It might require me to activate some sort of interceptor to keep odzwyki from posting about about how to buy pharmaceuticals from China in weird broken English. My favorite is the insincere flattery (is there any other kind?) about how smart and great my blog is -- while I love having my ego stroked, when they say "I imagine you have a excellent information in particular while dealings with these kinds of topics" it kind of takes some of the vim out of it when it's not actually whether they can read it, let alone did. But why my blog? How many of you readers are out there?

Let me know with comments. Coherent is preferable, but not technically required.

And down the stretch they come

I had a pretty fun weekend last week -- I attended an event across the river in South Carolina known as the Aiken Lobster Races. The thing is, I never made it to watch lovable crustaceans in their novel competition because we ran into the tragic experience that can challenge the excitement of any lobster race: the Poorly Run Restaurant (or PRR). I guess I should say, in the interest of full disclosure, that the PRR is new, but quite frankly, I am not convinced that should be an excuse. I have been to hundreds of restaurants in my short time here on God's Playground and I am pretty sure of the things that need to happen for the experience to be an enjoyable one. Good food is definitely a necessary condition, but not a sufficient one. (Steve Buscemi appearing in a movie is a sufficient condition for it to be good, but not a necessary one. Although it is close.)

The biggest clincher for my lobster party was the crappy waitress. The food came out slowly, and when it did it came out one order at a time. (In the PRR's defense, they claimed to be a tapas restaurant. To their discredit, only like 30% of the menu was actually tapas.) That was not necessarily her fault; the rudeness about being slow to show our IDs, getting infrequent water refills, and making inappropriate comments about how our decision to sit outside seemed to be an inconveniece for her were what convinced me of this conclusion: she sucks.

It also reminded me of one of the most illustrative and terrifying discoveries I have made so far about the human race: there are a lot of people who suck at their jobs. I know you are probably thinking, "Gee, Engineer, very insightful. What's next? Grapes are both nutritious and delicious?" Well, yes, that is also true. (Red grapes for ever!) But think about this on a large scale: there are people who suck at every job, ones you count on, like plumbers, water treatment guys, car makers, doctors, investment bankers, politicians, and even engineers. To quote George Carlin: "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." If you were one of those people who bought a Pontiac Aztek, sorry about your bad luck.

Even the high barriers to entry cannot keep some of them out. The head of AIG was not a dummy, you know? People had to elect Barney Frank, and the doctor from the Octomom nonsense got into and graduated from a medical degree granting institution. Soometimes having the capital, drive, and chef to open a restaurant is not enough to run it well, either. So remember all those jackasses in your classes and be nice to them because they might keep you from seeing lobsters race. Jerks.

You can't shorten "title"

I was watching 30 Rock the other day (fantastic show, by the way) and a speech practice that was used that made a character purposefully look like a douche bag for comedic effect. Now, I'm all for laughing at douche bags, but even this practice makes me leery because a friend did this very same thing "ironically" recently. As far as I know, he is not otherwise a douche bag, (I have never seen him use a Bluetooth headset or cheer for a Boston sports team, for instance).

I have previously discussed shortening phrases and I think we can all agree that I was totally right: shortening phrases is an affront to God. Now, looking a little bit further, like we saw on 30 Rock, there is a practice of shortening words, too. The character on the shjow asked his personal assistant to make room on his "schedj" for a date with Liz Lemon. Good for him, but his assistant's proper response should have been, "If you ever say 'schedj' again, I will walk out of here in two shakes of the lammie's tail." He later does, and she does not quit. At least, not on camera. (I sometimes like to fill in what happens in other scenes not shown for the ancillary characters during commercials, and in my version of the episode she quits by peeing on his shoes.)

Other words that follow this patter are sitch (situation), natch (naturally), offish (official[ly]), delish (delicious), and so on. My mom has always had a problem with poli(tical) sci(ence), but my brother deicded to major in it. College class names are trickier, too, because they have long and absurd names that probably need to be shortened. My college classes all had nicknames (the most delicious of which was Meatballs), beyond the ordinary things like calc, chem and freshman comp. For whatever reason, these were never particularly offensive to me. Although, differential equations was a battleground between two factions: those enlightened scholars who favored "D.E." and the rampaging and uncouth barbarians who pushed for Diffey Q. Clearly the latter are fools and deserve no more of our attention.

This could have also probably been filed under dealbreakers. I don't quite know how you justify a pronunciation as an invention, or you better believe this would be in the terrorists' aresenal. Feel free to add any shortened words that deserve to be punishable by waterboarding in the comments and watch 30 Rock this week.

It's just not worth it

You know how exciting new gadgets are when they seemingly make life easier, but really don't accomplish all that much? I remember when I was a kid, I really wanted a phone that could be a speakerphone. I don't know why; I just thought it was cool. As it turns out, it was not cool. It wasn't even useful. What does an 8 year old need with a speakerphone in his bedroom?

This thing has been out for a while. And frankly, I apologize for being so slow moving on this. This should have been my first post. The bluetooth headset might be the dumbest product ever made. I know you are probably thinking, "But Mr. Sighted, it's hands free!" So was the speakerphone. Doesn't make it any less retarded. Also, you can't use one and not look like a douche bag.

This guy is probably a douche bag.

Maybe it's an issue of unfulfilled fantasies of being Madonna. Maybe it's a question of having such an inflated sense of self-worth that the people who use these that they can't put down the latte in their left hand to hold a telephone. I hate people who carry lattes outside of places that serve lattes and I hate when people are talking on the phone without clearly holding a phone so it makes them sound like the sort of people who are yelling about Nixon on a subway and smell like a ripened combination of Mad Dog and pee. I don't care what the explanation is, I just think you should stop.

Shattering taboos, one pair at a time

I just got some new underwear this weekend, and I must say, I am completely pleased. I have been wearing underwear for a while now, and I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it. (Although, occasionally I do make mistakes. Once, more recently than I'd like to admit, I put my boxers on backwards. The urinal was completely off limits that day.) There are times that I'd like to mention things about underwear, but for whatever reason, underwear is pretty sexualized. I think that's a bit extreme. It'd be like saying that a guy who climbs Mount Everest once is a big time mountain climber. I've spent a lot of time with science, I want to see some repeatability, killer.

I would probably say that for the average person, underwear's day to day role is much less sexual than the media would lead us to believe. I'm pretty sure it's mostly so you keep sweat and stuff off your real clothes. And to let you have a chance to wear something that has dollar signs on it. (Sadly, I don't actually have money boxers. I wish I did.)

I might have underwear questions. And they might not be sexual in nature. Like, for example, what's the deal with the hybrid boxer-briefs? There is no way that they seem competitive with the full-on boxer shorts. Also, are the people who are wearing briefs later in life just afraid to try something new? How many people try boxers, but decide they hate freedom and go back? I want statistics on that. But this isn't polite conversation. Even though asking something like, "Do my cutoffs go with this blazer?" might be a little less controversial.

This is to say nothing about the feminine sorts of underwear. But they seem even more sexualized. Bras, for example. There are some girls who probably could get on without them, but they still insist on it. Is that because of social pressure? An excess of pride? A safeguard against turning into a human thermometer? You can't ask that question out loud.

And I think that's bunk. I would like to know what sorts of personal decisions go into electing between boy shorts and panties for girls. Is it similar to the issues weighed for boxers and briefs with guys? Or is it usually a sexualized decision? How often to girls top and bottom underwears match? That doesn't even come up with us! (Actually, I guess I only speak for those of us who are not transvestites.)

I think the biggest question is about the boxer-briefs. The more I think about it, it seems like the worst of both worlds. And is it really necessary to put those douchey looking underwear models on the cover of every underwear package? I know what it's supposed to look like.

Personal Karma

Some time ago I institute a policy that if I saw a douchey looking guy with a girl who appeared out of his league, it was my obligation as an American and a human being to be a jerk to said guy to help him remain humble. It is my small way of trying to help balance out the universe. I'm only one man, but I think I can really make a difference.

I feel similarly about jobs when dudes get them who clearly don't deserve them. Like Ashton Kutcher (who fits in the first category as well) or Seth McFarlane. If I ever run into either of those people and they drop a pen, I am not going to pick it up for either of them. Also, I try not to laugh at their jokes and campaign against them. It's even worse when they suck at a job that I wish I had. Our buddy Seth has one, as does Scoop Jackson. I would feel a little bit better if they sat at home, crying into their poorly written tv scripts and sports columns, wishing they could be engineers. But it still doesn't make it ok.

The one who deserves it most, though, is Michael Moore. He's got that new movie Sicko coming out. I went to see Fahrenheit 9/11 in the theaters, and I felt like those people who first move to the United States and see that there's a way to win a free trip to Disney World and then it turns out it's a pyramid scheme or a cult recruitment or something. I was completely duped. It wasn't a documentary at all! He's a big fat liar. And I know that's a lazy joke, but it had to be done.

I don't like to get political in this space, and although this isn't completely politically motivated, it could be construed that way when I say this: don't go see that movie in the theaters. I'd encourage you not to rent it either, but if you must watch it, do so in a way that will minimize the amount of money that Moore will get from it. Because he's a manipulative filmmaker who claims to be a purveyor of fact. I have a higher opinion of Chad than I do manipulative filmmakers who claim to be purveyors of fact.

People like them, too. It's like the unpopular kids/jocks dilemma all over again. These people have convinced the public to like them even though they aren't really that talented. Punk'd? Come on, Ashton. Do you really need to apostrophize the e? And Seth, give it a freakin' rest already. And Michael. Oh, Micheal. You had such potential, but you just couldn't avoid being a big fat hypocrite. Yes, I went there twice.

Jeopardy! is strange sometimes

I am watching Jeopardy! right now. I like to include the exclamation point when I write it, because it makes me chuckle. If you happen to be watching it, or saw it last night, the winner might be the creepiest kid I've ever seen on television. And really, Jeopardy! often has it's share of folks with whom you probably wouldn't want to share a conversation and an ice cream. I have mixed opinions about this, because I never want to see this person again, but I also want everyone I know to get the chance to see this train wreck.

I was trying to convince somebody to turn on the program in order to look at this kid. The problem, though, is that Jeopardy! isn't always on at the same time, depending on where you live. Some places it's on at 7, others at 7:30. But that's pretty much it. Why do you suppose that is? Interestingly enough, my apartment gets the show at both times because we get the HD feed of ABC from New York. My roommate and I got to watch the political ads in the NJ race that re-elected a senator who was implied to be connected to the mafia. I hope that's couched in enough legalese that in case this blog ever gets popular, I don't want to be sued -- I don't know if he actually was, but the ad implied it, and really, he's in New Jersey, so come on.

None of this explains why local ABC affiliates haven't been able to coordinate and settle on a universal time for Jeopardy! and its bastard cousin, Wheel of Fortune. Really, I'd think that a show named after a Tarot card would be pretty cool. Wouldn't you watch a show called the Hanged Man? I know I would. This does allow for the possibility of a Jeopardy! racket where you can bet your friends and take their money. I could see a scene like in the movie Rounders where the protagonist walks into a darkened and seedy suburban media room and has to prove that he has an envelope full of cash and agrees to the house rules as to whether they have to say "What is" before calling out the answer.

*Good news, everybody -- Andrew won again. I encourage all of you to tune in tomorrow night, whether it's 7 or 7:30, and see this guy. I'm not sure if I can explain what it is exactly that makes me so uneasy to watch him on tv, but I am confident that you'll recognize it immediately when you see him. Also, somebody get him a suit that fits right.

I speak sometimes

I think the coolest political title is probably speaker. There's only one in a particular government: the Speaker of the House. We have one, and Britain has one, which leads me to believe that most parliamentary governments probably have one too. Sure, it would be nice to be a king or emperor or even duke, but there have been a lot of bad guys to hold those titles. Ivan the Terrible was an emperor. Herod was a king. Richelieu was a duke, in addition to being a cardinal, and he was kind of a bastard. Have you ever heard of a Speaker of the House be styled "the terrible?" Well, I suppose an argument could be made for both Gingrich and Pelosi, but I doubt they will be called that in history books. It's a little early to tell with Nancy, though.


But it's such an ordinary word, for example, my computer has two speakers, that it seems so interesting that the second person in succession to the presidency has that title. The speaker is the voice for essentially 1/2 of 1/3 of the government. It also just sounds funny to be called Mr(s). Speaker. In my case, it would be Mr., but the current one is a woman, hence the (s). According to Wikipedia, there is a speaker of the House of Lords that gets to be called Lord Speaker. The House of Lords gets some pretty cool titles, but I like the incongruity of how pedestrian Mr. Speaker sounds compared to the importance of the office. Although the Lord Speaker gets a ceremonial mace. That might make up for the novelty of Mr.

It's a little drafty in here.

So, I watched most of the NFL draft yesterday, and I cannot begin with the complaints about the talk about Brady Quinn until I post my excitement about Gaines Adams, Defensive End from Clemson University going to Tampa Bay. I might have to purchase a jersey, and from what I hear I'm not really the sort to buy jerseys. This isn't a sports blog, I realize, so I'll try to lay off the sports heavy material and only focus on the general complaints of the viewing experience.

First, the NFL can never ever allow the draft to go as long as it did yesterday. That is, if it expects to keep viewers. It was the longest first round in the history of the draft, which means it was like 1.25 times more boring than usual. I understand it takes a certain kind of fan to watch the draft (of which I am one), and if it's like this again next year they can count me out. 15 minutes is the amount of time between picks, and typically, only bastard teams use all 15 of those minutes. Most of them did this year, because of that bastard quarterback Brady Quinn.

I want to quote one of the soulless commentators (I don't remember which one, but none of them have souls), who has obviously lost touch with what it means to be an actual person: "I'm starting to feel bad for Brady Quinn." For those of you who don't know, Brady Quinn was the quarterback for Notre Dame, which is a school in Indiana that has an inexplicably large amount of attention paid to it. He had an average career with very impressive statistics. The kid was going to a very prestigious and expensive private school for free, and as the starting QB for ND gets on TV every Saturday. As a result, girls will, inevitably, want to sleep with him. It doesn't hurt that he is going to be a professional football player and make in the tens of millions of dollars. The reason that the soulless TV guy felt bad for him was because the difference between the #10 pick, where he might have gone, and the #22 pick, where he did go, is like $25 million.

Sure, it sounds like a lot of money, and it is. But he's 22 years old. If he's any good (which he may or may not be), that amount that he lost in the first contract will be about as insignificant as Joe Biden in the presidential race. He's a college graduate now, and he's falling into this job. It's hard, really, to sympathize about him losing $25 million in four hours. Yes, it's a little traumatic to watch as they show this kid on the screen, but he's going to be a millionaire. Like next week. For sports fans, it's more aggravating than people who pronounce "ASAP" because we've been hearing about this slightly above average quarterback non-stop for like two years now. I know that it's never really a good idea to enjoy somebody else's misfortune, but I think it's ok when that misfortune is a kid who's younger than me getting a $15 million contract to throw a ball.

¡Feliz Navidad! Nollaig Shona! Felix Dies Navitates!

I'm going to throw this up here now since I probably won't be writing tomorrow. So everyone out there in internetland, Merry Christmas. The title tells you how to offer that holiday greeting in Spanish, Irish and Latin, in that order. The Spanish and Latin are both phonetic, but the Irish is pronounced No-lahk Ho-na, in case any leprechauns come across your path tomorrow.

People made a big deal this year about how stores are saying "Merry Christmas" again instead of "Happy Holidays." I have to wonder who exactly gets offended by being wished a Merry Christmas. As a Christian, I can't say I would be offended if a member of any other faith wished me a Happy Hanukkah, Happy Ramadan or whatever. In fact, I think I'd think it was kind of nice that they thought enough to offer such a salutation to me. Just because I don't celebrate one of these holidays, they still happen. I've been wished Happy Diwali before, and I didn't answer with "I'm not Indian, jackass." I answered with, "Thank you." What is wrong with people? I think that "Happy Holidays" is a little obnoxious because it's so non-committal. If you go into Wal-Mart and the greeter says "Happy Hanukkah" am I really going to stop shopping there? This really seems like kind of a petty thing to worry about, doesn't it?

One of the things that helps make my Christmas merry is that when I go back to my church down here and they have an insert in the program (which, inexplicably, didn't have a schedule in it; making me think that the purpose of the program is to serve as a coat for this insert) that includes a shortened version of a Longfellow poem called Christmas Bells. I am going to include it here, but it's important to note that this was written in 1861, as the Civil War was beginning.

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play.
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head
"There is no peace on earth," I said.
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor doth he sleep.
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men!
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The rest of the poem is just as good, and you should look it up and read it. Nollaig Shona!

You know you're a person who [lives here, works here or does something] when...

The internet is a handy thing. It allows for the rapid distribution of news, information and nonsense written by people like me. Part of that nonsense is jokes, and I would say about 97% of them are not funny. For example, the "You know you're a [whatever] when..." which seem to be oh so popular among people who are [whatever]. In the early days of the internet, before people really understood, these mass forwardings of what are essentially chain letters seemed cute and nice. They are not. The first ones I remember seeing are for Southerner and Small Town in place of [whatever], including the appropriate grammar to make them fit. I also remember seeing my freshman year the other guy from Florida on my floor in my dorm put up the corresponding one from Florida, and it was not funny. In fact, it was a little embarrassing, because it reflected poorly on my glorious state. Florida is called the Sunshine State for a reason; when you think of it you should think of heaven falling from the sky rather than jokes about how to pronounce Kissimmee.

I guess I have to ask the question why are they so popular? Why does have my facebook friends list include them as one of their groups, especially when hometown is one of the things they fill out anyway? I can see that you're from New Jersey. Or Indiana. Or Chicago. Or Charleston. The inane list of landmarks and colloquialisms is fine and all, but is that something you really want to advertise? And driving habits are a favorite, particularly with New Jersey, Michigan and the touristy places. They have weird left turns in MI, and they love themselves for it. Apparently NJ has something strange about that too, so does that mean Michiganders are going to have to throw themselves off the Mackinac Bridge because they're not the only place with crazy turns? And if it's a forwarded e-mail, is this something that I am really going to read? If I know you, I already know you're from wherever. If it's about Florida, or Daytona or something, I already know about those locations, because I live there. If it's from someplace I've never lived, then these jokes aren't going to be funny. See the inherent failure of the joke?

Also, it might be devastating to learn, but many of those things, particularly about tourist beach towns, are not unique. Every tourist beach town is almost exactly the same when you describe them on paper. Myrtle Beach looks a lot like Daytona Beach -- full of junk shops where you can buy towels with dolphins, the name of the city and naked ladies on them. Savannah, Charleston and St. Augustine are very old and similar, too, except St. Augustine is Spanish instead of English, which means StAuggy has better food.

I don't want to simply say, "Let's stop doing these," because I guess if you really want to who am I to stop you? I just need to point out that they are not that funny. None of them are. None of them are particularly creative, either. I have seen White Castle as an important distinction in both the Midwest and the Northeast, two regions of distinctly different culture which each claim a fast food restaurant as a regional landmark. You might be from Florida if you like college football and eat seafood and go to the beach! Nobody else does that, right?

SRY IM L8

I just spent a good part of the past four days inside of a car on an interstate in one of three states in the southeast. Geography quiz: one of them was South Carolina and one of them was Florida, can you guess the other?

Now, this drive is boring. I suppose any 8 hour drive would be boring. There are only two places where I actually enjoyed the driving part: through Tennessee and to Key West. The scenery adds to the merriment in those two places. I was reminded while I was behind the wheel of my Ram how much I don't understand vanity plates. People actually go out of their way to pay their respective state governments extra money to put a little message on the backs of their cars. It's puzzling. The biggest drawback, I think, is that you can't rob a bank. I don't think I'll ever actually do that, but I'd like to have the option. But if the back of my car said ENGRSTD, then it'd be pretty easy to catch me. So I'm going to go with the quickpick whenever I buy a new car.

In order to pass the time on the 500 mile drive, I started to take note of the plates that I saw, and I'm going to comment on the best ones now. I hope I'm not breaking the law by publishing them.

I saw the first two right near each other, and they were the ones that really got me started on this project: I4PEACE and IM LATE. What in the world would possess someone to announce to the driving public IM LATE? I4PEACE I guess I understand a little better, but really, who's for war? Nobody is for war; even the people who are in favor of the war don't want war.

I saw a couple that I didn't know what they meant, like KREON and YARDNU. The only Kreon I know is from Oedipus, but that was spelled Creon, and I'm pretty sure that if he was real he's dead by now. And besides, Creon was killed by his son, who then went on to marry Jocasta, Creon's wife and Oedipus's mom, so that's not really the sort of thing that people would brag about, unlike TEAM DOC or FLYBOI. I saw TEAM DOC in the parking lot of the O'Connell Center at UF, so I suspect it was a trainer for the current National Champs or just a liar. I suspect Flyboi is a pilot, and used the less frequently seen spelling of boy, but I really wish he was a skater. I saw DUXNBUX up here, and I didn't get what that meant until my Wisconsonite roommate explained that it has something to do with hunting. Although it was a while ago, so I can't be positive that it wasn't BUXNDUX, but really, who cares.

The last two, though, are way better than any of these earlier ones. IM NONNI was on the back of some station wagon in Georgia, I think, that was driven by someone I can only imagine was Nonni. 4ALPACAS is a bit of a mystery, since 4 can be a stand-in for a variety of homophones. We can't be sure if this man owns four alpacas, is an advocate for alpacas of any number, or he frequently plays golf with the South American llama like creatures. Honestly, I'm in the golf camp because I think it's a little unrealistic that the guy would be advocate for alpacas.

I saw a few others, but they were even dumber than these. One girl in high school had MS GIRL except instead of girl, it was her actual name. I'm a little conflicted as to whether or not I should put her actual name on there. But if any of my readers out there have a vanity plate, please understand that this is all in jest when I say: I think you spent your money on an identifying mark that makes you look a little bit retarded.

A little fashion sense even I can understand

People everywhere have very strong opinions about popping the collar. I see signs, have heard people bitch about it, and there are facebook groups about it. The thing is, I've only seen one collar actually be popped. It was at a Ralph Lauren Outlet store, and I'm pretty sure the guy worked there. He looked like sort of guy who would drink a Bud Select while calling it a "brew." Or put rufies in a girl's drink at a party.

So, judging from my statistical sample of one person with a popped collar, I can understand where the opposition comes from. However, I don't really understand how this level of vitriol developed for such an uncommon thing. Something like violent anger directed at CSI is more understandable, because you can't turn around, televisionwise, without running into one of those Jerry Bruckheimer produced pieces of filth. Then again, I don't go to frat parties much and I try to avoid places where crappy beers are the drink of choice, which I guess are really two of the same things, so I might not be in the collar popper's native habitat.

So where does this happen? Is it simply a manifestation of a bad college stereotype, as I suspect? It can't simply be that; people I've run into who never go to those places have formed more intense opinions about this than they have about abortion. I have to say that until I see it pop up (ha ha!) more often, I'm probably not going to care, even though I realize this issue is like two years old at this point. So yes, I'm a little behind. I'm in grad school; time doesn't flow the same way for me.

Worst Facial Hair in Sports

I want to do a list of the five worst facial hair styles in sports over the past year. This will draw more heavily from the NFL than any other sport because, well, MLB and NBA bore me.

5. Ricky Williams - Everyone's favorite pot head, Ricky, after returning from a year off and a suspension in a cloud of blue smoke, sported this lovely rug on his face. He looks like he spent the last year doing something really manly like wrestling lions barehanded in the Savannahs of Kenya rather than sitting around and blowing grass with Lenny Kravitz. Well, sadly, he's not really that rugged, he's just really strange. Who knows what sort of mayhem will get to see in the next season?


4. Jake Plummer - The quarterback for the Denver Broncos who can't stop turning the ball over. He was my starting fantasy quarterback this year, and everytime I played him I felt like I needed to shave. He's got some sort of weird Kenny Loggins/Charles Manson look, and for some reason, it just doesn't seem right for a quarterback. He had one of the best season of his career, though, so I'll bet we see Jake the Snake with an even bigger beard next season. I still will be a little concerned that he'll start singing "Danger Zone" while brainwashing women to kill people.


3. Apollo Anton Ohno - I know this speedskater won gold and two bronze and I should be thankful for representing our country and winning the 500m race, but really, when I look at him all I can think is "You know that guy is a total douchebag. Just look at his soul patch." Also, the fact that women think he's hot, he has the same name as a god and he's an Olympian. Any one of those four things would immediately cause me to jump to the conclusion that this may be a fellow who likes himself a lot. But mostly it's the facial hair. I was happier when I thought he was an Italian.

2. Adam Morrison - The leading scorer in the NCAA and an ugly, ugly kid. His mustache is a little hard to see, it's the bit around his mouth that looks like dirt and shadows, and that's exactly why he belongs on this list. This guy is going to play in the NBA and he's wearing the same facial hair as that kid who wanted to look grown up in 6th grade. Adam Morrison's mom could grow a better mustache than that. J.J. Redick is making fun of him for looking ridiculous. Shave your face, Adam. And stop crying on the court.


1. Kyle Orton - The starter for Chicago last season after Rex Grossman went down (again) sported what may be the ugliest neck beard in the history of facial hair. It was a tough call between Adam Morrison's dirty upper lip and this, but ultimately, I couldn't pass up the chance to write that previous sentence. He just looked like an Indiana bumpkin while cleanshaven at Purdue, but now that he's moved on up to the big time, he looks like the sort of fellow you'd see in a tattered suit coat on a streetcorner downtown with a 40 of OE in a brown paper bag. But don't worry, since Chicago now has Grossman and Griese, we'll never see him again! Interestingly enough, on a team with people named Grossman and Griese, it's the guy named Orton who looks disgusting.