Invented by Terrorists: The NFL Network

I am an NFL fan. I follow the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and have an affinity for the Colts because they do their spring training at my alma mater. But when they play each other, I want to see Gaines Adams hit Peyton Manning so hard that he knocks the upside-down horseshoe on his helmet right side up.

If you got a newspaper today (which I didn't), you probably saw a lot of editorials and ads by the NFL apologizing that your cable provider doesn't carry the NFL network. I did manage to get a hold of a USA Today today, and there was both a letter to the editor from the president of the network and a full page ad by the NFL apologizing and another large ad unveiling NFL.com live. There was also a staff editorial calling shenanigans on the NFL. And you know what? The NFL needs a good kick in the pants.

You see, tonight is a big game. The Dallas Cowboys are playing the Green Bay Packers. If you don't know what a Packer is, just take my word for it: this is going to be a fun game to watch. If you have an HDTV, you can play a game where you try to count Brett Favre's gray hairs. (It's 67, by the way.)

I am one of the chosen few to get the NFL network. My cable provider is some wacky corner store variety of company, meaning they aren't involved in the politics of the situation. I'm pretty sure that I got a free hot dog or something for choosing them (even though I had to). I tuned in to watch the star of There's Something About Mary play against the Romosexual, and you know what I saw? If you guessed a football game, you'd be wrong.

I saw a special on football in some city in Ohio. And it wasn't Cincinnati, Cleveland or Columbus. Not that it would have mattered if it were. It was some small town, I don't remember what it was exactly, but I think it was something like Whogivesadamn. But I did get a little ticker at the top saying, "Your carrier doesn't do the football games. Call and bitch about it." I could not believe it. I get the NFL Network, but I don't get the games? Do you know what else is on the NFL Network? Nothing. This network somehow manages to make cheerleader tryouts boring. Cheerleader tryouts.

So, I am with the USA Today Editorial Board on this one. I'm on the side of the Empire, the Soviet Union, Wal-Mart, the New York Yankees and people who say "I know, right?". The cable companies are right. Why should the cable carries charge us a boatload of money for a channel that shows two games a week in the last half of the season, if you're lucky? Thumbs down, NFL, thumbs down.