That line is there for a reason

I drive home from work pretty much every day that I drive there. Yesterday was an exception, because I worked my first 12 hour shift. It was just as awesome as you think it would be. Part of my commute includes time on an expressway, which, as you are probably aware, involves retard drivers and on ramps. There are retard drivers on every sort of road, but on expressways, they move faster. Which is good news for everyone.

As speed magnifies dumbassery on the road, the on ramps are the portals by which that behavior is applied to the efficient expressways we all know and love from the tangle of back roads and pedestrians. Stupid things, of course, happen in town, too, so do not think I am trying to minimize that. It is just that I do not drive in town every day, so that is not something that irritates me on quite as regular a basis.

Have you ever been entering the highway and not quite reach the driving lane out of the acceleration lane and behind somebody else, when the jerk behinds you departs the acceleration lane early and pulls around you into the driving lane? That guy deserves, at a minimum, to have his tires slashed. There's that wide triangle shaped strip that (while I'm not traffic signage expert) probably means, "Don't do that, jerkface." Not only that, but that guy cuts me off as I try to pass that slowpoke in front of me.

That sucks, too. When you get stuck in a line of people behind a guy holding everyone up; they cannot be sure that it's not you. I feel like I need to hold up a sign saying, "It's not me! Let me out of this prison! I won't slow you down!" Then again, I am occasionally guilty of that practice. There are certain crimes on the road that are more serious than others. Vehicular manslaughter, for instance. I, however, will fly into a rage when the guy behind me departs prematurely out of the acceleration lane. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

I feel the need...

Do you ever wonder why everyone on earth is slower than me? (If you want, you can replace the pronoun "me" with "you," but I have to tell you, I like mine better.) It's everywhere: grocery stores, the ATM, the hallways at work, and while I'm on the couch. I know I'm pretty good at things like not taking 45 minutes to buy tomatoes, remembering my PIN, not stopping in my way and watching tv, but what's the deal? Am I really that good?

I hate getting behind people at the ATM. I honestly have no idea what these people do there. It's like they don't understand that there is an actual bank right next to this machine. There are only so many possible button combinations on a machine and it would take like 8 minutes to go through all of them.

You know what holds me up at the grocery store? The fact that almost no cashier knows what a tomatillo is. Blogger is even hitting me with the red underline on it. Other than that, I am flying through the grocery lines like a buttered slip n' slide.

I really have to ask, though, what are the things that are happening in these peoples heads that made you think it is a good idea to do your weekly banking at a glorified drive-thru teller (my bank does not have a clown mouth, sadly)? How about the shock of, after walking through a building full of food and selecting things that you want to take home, and realizing that you might have to pay for it? I guess sometimes Publix ambushes you.