One of the few professions that are called brokers

I have a question. If I wanted to open a pawn shop, how do I enter that profession? It seems like an odd thing to just up and start, because it requires a large sum of money (to offer in exchange for the pawned items) and an almost reckless desire to keep it (since the folks who enter into arrangements with pawnbrokers are frequently of questionable scruples). And anyway, why would I want to buy stolen stereo equipment, copies of Boston LPs, crappy guitars and cheap firearms anyway? If I were trying to put on a stage adaptation of Joe Dirt, maybe.

There are all sorts of professions of comparable integrity that I think sound much more appealing if I have a lot of unused money lying around. Bookmaking, loansharking and futures speculator all seem to be about as risky and profitable. I don't have any hired muscle, though, and that could be a problem with some of those. When a Wall Street stockbroker is all coked up he'd be hard to bring down. Maybe one of those guitars or firearms would be handy after all.

Of those, I think, I would personally like bookmaking the best. I'd post odds on all sorts of crazy things. While I was a tutor in college, I wanted to do it with class averages for the tough engineering courses. I didn't, though, because I liked being a tutor. Wait, that's not completely accurate; I liked getting paid to be a tutor. If I were a bookie now, though, I think I'd post odds on things like the over/under on the number of people who almost get in a fight at one of the bars downtown (2 a night), the next presidential candidate to say something really stupid (6:1 Romney, 5:1 Obama, 3:1 Clinton, 3:2 Biden) and the over/under on how many glasses of milk I drink in a day (2).

The only problem is I wouldn't be able to do things like which household item is more awesome when dunked in liquid nitrogen, since that's kind of subjective. We're working on a quantification, though. And not just for liquid nitrogen, either; quantifying awesome in every context. Please let me know if you are interested in sponsoring this research project. I also accept objects for pawn.

We're all living in a material world and I am a material girl (or boy)

I had my first on-site interview of my graduate career, so I have been busy this past week. I flew into Washington, DC (my first time there) and saw the Capitol all lit up and the Washington Monument in the distance... all from the tiny, tiny window in the airplane on the taxiway. I would have liked to get a slightly closer view, but I didn't really have time for that. I had roughly 1 hour of unscheduled time that didn't have to be spent driving, so getting in and out of Reagan-National to the Mall just wasn't in the cards.

This started to get me thinking about having real money, as opposed to graduate student money, which is largely imaginary. They try to convince you that since you get tuition for free that you're really making $40k more than you're actually getting paid, and here's what I have to say to that: bunk. Christmas and my birthday just happened, though, so I'm financially secure for a little while at least. One of the things that comes up a lot is the living arrangements, since it would be awfully grand to have a little more room to put my useless junk. Buy or rent is a big question, and it's one of those that makes you realize you've transitioned from interesting, young person into a boring adult. Next I'll be talking to people about interest rates on investments. Good Lord, now I remember why I went to grad school to avoid this in the first place.

Anyway, the fun things are that I can start to think about what I want to put into that house. Since I'm going to start making something like 5 times what I currently make at any job, in my estimation, that's essentially limitless funds. Wondering if I should get the SNL DVD box set this month or next month will seem a little trivial. At least I hope so. But there are things that I think I want in my so-called "dream house" that without them would really fall short of my "dream." So, basically, here is a list of things that I will consider my life a monetary failure if I don't have them in one of the houses I will eventually live in:

• Water fountain - For some reason, water just tastes better to me when it comes out really cold in a water fountain. Unless it's an old fountain, then it reminds me of the older gym I used to play basketball in when I was younger, which made everyone wonder if the metal in the pipes was being entrained (we probably wouldn't have used this word then) into the flow (sorry, engineering thinking coming out) and into our mouths. Almost made going thirsty seem preferable.
• Urinal - Honestly, if you went into someone's bathroom and found a urinal, wouldn't you be intrigued? It would be really convenient and probably save a lot of water in the long run, so in my laziness I'm really trying to help save the world.
• Fireman pole - This would be way more awesome than stairs. The only trouble is that I would need stairs to get back up anyway, unless I have like Batman (Adam West era) had with rocket powered launchers to carry me back up. Might be cost prohibitive, but I can think of nothing that would be more awesome than that.
• Toucan - For some reason, I've always wanted a toucan. And I think I would let him try to crush the skull of anyone with his absurd beak if they ask if his name is "Sam."
• Movie theatre - It wouldn't have to be very big, but it would be neat to have a small room with an overwhelmingly large television that's stadium seated. Maybe have room for 12 people or so, not too gawdy, but be slanted like the floors in a theater. We could watch movies in there, or just things like the news or, if I'm really bored, the Food Network. It seems like everybody's watching that these days and it would give me something to talk about.

I kind of already have that last one now; my roommate bought a hugous projector so I got to watch the National Championship game in nearly life size. I'm glad the Gators won, but I think I'm already getting tired of Gator fans. Anyway, it's about lunchtime and I'm going to go and pout since I can't get my drink from a fountain.

No funciona la computadora

My regular schedule has been slowed due to a catastrophic failure in my laptop's backlight, making it very difficult to do things like see what I'm clicking. Instead, I have to use my lab computer as if it were my own, which is ok, I guess, but it makes me feel like one of the foreign people who basically lives in their offices, like the tall Sikh or the Chinese girl who has a boy's haircut but is still somehow kind of cute. I'll bet they know how to make good food, though.

Anyway, I'm sitting in my lab, trying to justify my time here by looking for articles on how to improve the vacuum seal of my project, but really, I don't think there's any search terms that will give me any sort of useful journals, since "vacuum seal" is pretty generic. It's like the mechanical engineering equivalent of searching for something like "existential angst" in an English database; it's not the most common thing, but you have your hands full looking through the results.

As you can probably imagine, at 8:15, I'm not making a lot of progress. I'm pretty sure the answer is that my setup won't work, so I'm not really that concerned anyway. I'm in here by myself rocking out to Pet Sounds. Actually, there may or may not be a post doc in the next lab over, listening to me harmonize. But who is he to judge?

Anyway, I didn't want to lose my surging fanbase of 6 because I have been having trouble updating. I expect to resume my normal level of output sometime next week, after I steal my little brother's hand-me-down, which is a little shaming for an engineer to admit.

Let it Rain

I haven't gone into the lab yet today because it's raining. Really. I woke up this morning, heard the rain falling down, and said to myself, "It's rainy and probably cold. I don't feel like putting on shoes yet." My job is either awesome or terrible, it's hard to say.

I am probably going to go in after I finish lunch, though. It's still raining, but I don't really have anything else to do this afternoon anyway, other than play Xbox, and that seems kind of depressing. What I really wanted to write about today is the food I'm eating for lunch. I've already told you that I'm pretty awesome with food, but I want to take it a step further. Over the weekend, I decided to recreate a Cuban dish I had in Miami that was stellar. It's called ropa vieja, which means old clothes. Nothing as delicious as a shredded t-shirt seasoned with cumin.

It got that name because it looks like shredded clothes, which is kind of weird, because I don't know how carrots fit into a fashion ensemble. The meal involves flank steak, a tomato based sauce and vegetables over rice. It's the sort of meal I should carry around with me in a small pan and portable stove, to get people to do my bidding. I need to recruit a chorus of women to eat my food and then sing me praises in three part harmony.

I have a very general theory of food that coastal cultures in general produce better food than mainland cultures. Peoples like Cuban, Japanese, Italian, Mexican, Thai, etc, do good work, particularly when contrasted with the trainwreck that is German or Slavic cuisine. (Chorizo, a Spanish sausage, is infinitely better than any sausage to come out of Germany.) There are, of course, exceptions; for example, my very own peoples, the British and the Irish aren't really spectacular at food making, and they're both islands. (They seem to have brewing and distilling down pat, though). People seem pretty excited about the French, too, but other than their cheeses and breads, I'm not all that familiar. Actually, looking at the geography, maybe it has something to do with warm weather being better; because Scandinavian food is really confusing, and they have all those fjords up there. So the theory needs revision, that's what you people are for.

The US kind of wins, though, because we just steal everyone else's and make it our own. Pizza? Made in New York. General Tso's Chicken? Had to be our influence, after all, we have Colonel Sanders, too. French Fries and French Toast? All American, and we name it after another the French to stick it to them, because you know they hate to think of that they'd be responsible for those. I guess I'll make the chorus sing patriotic songs, too.

A little fashion sense even I can understand

People everywhere have very strong opinions about popping the collar. I see signs, have heard people bitch about it, and there are facebook groups about it. The thing is, I've only seen one collar actually be popped. It was at a Ralph Lauren Outlet store, and I'm pretty sure the guy worked there. He looked like sort of guy who would drink a Bud Select while calling it a "brew." Or put rufies in a girl's drink at a party.

So, judging from my statistical sample of one person with a popped collar, I can understand where the opposition comes from. However, I don't really understand how this level of vitriol developed for such an uncommon thing. Something like violent anger directed at CSI is more understandable, because you can't turn around, televisionwise, without running into one of those Jerry Bruckheimer produced pieces of filth. Then again, I don't go to frat parties much and I try to avoid places where crappy beers are the drink of choice, which I guess are really two of the same things, so I might not be in the collar popper's native habitat.

So where does this happen? Is it simply a manifestation of a bad college stereotype, as I suspect? It can't simply be that; people I've run into who never go to those places have formed more intense opinions about this than they have about abortion. I have to say that until I see it pop up (ha ha!) more often, I'm probably not going to care, even though I realize this issue is like two years old at this point. So yes, I'm a little behind. I'm in grad school; time doesn't flow the same way for me.

Ring, ring goes the bell

This week begins the fall semester at Clemson University, and really, it's a two-edged sword. I have completed all of the course work requirements for my degree, so the classes themselves are neither edge. The good edge is mostly football season and increased presence of college aged females in the area. The bad edge is that it will take me longer to buy groceries.

Football season is wonderful. Everybody's excited, people are talking to people they don't know about a game, and there is tailgate food. Game days are like a carnival, except without the cotton candy and shiftless people running rides. The shiftless people sell tickets in front of the stadium instead. It's all very energetic, but it is a little weird to think that some of the guys on the field are younger than me, and 85,000 people are cheering their names. I don't know what I'd do if 85,000 read this and wanted me to succeed; hell, I don't know what I'd do if 18 people read this. I'd probably quit my job and try to figure out a way to swindle all of you out of money so that I wouldn't have to do real work. Come to think of it, that's pretty much what athletes have done.

The big problem is that the population of Clemson, SC will double this week. Clemson is a delightful (but slightly boring) place during the summer. The weather is nice, it's deserted so you can always get food on a moment's notice, and the traffic/parking situation is stellar. Now, none of that is true. The weather might not change, but otherwise I stand by it. You see, when large numbers of college age females females do anything, college age males follow. I'm pretty sure that every sorority house has at least one guy dressed as a women who has infiltrated their ranks. So, when I go to the grocery store to buy peanut butter, feta cheese, and jalapenos, I'll have to either go at 9:45 after the people have already bought their beer for the night or wait in Disneyesque lines and fight with traffic. The traffic isn't so bad, compared to my last place of residence (Atlanta), but parking downtown is. Downtown is where the bars and restaurants are (in case that wasn't obvious) and it's a small street and really kind of oddly shapen, sort of like a banana with strange protusions. Actually, it's nothing like that; it's more like a cactus. Regardless, the parking situation is less than ideal.

Anyway, these next few weeks will mean football and having to park further away from my lab.
Over the summer, I sort of staked out a regular spot, although I think my roommate and I staked out the same one. We have opposite schedules so it worked out. Neither of us have class though. Is there such a thing as a one edged sword?