Yes, I need them all.

I went grocery shopping today, which is probably my favorite form of shopping. I do like liquor shopping too, but I don't drink it fast enough to really need to go very often, so it's not really the same. You can consume the purchase from the grocery store for breakfast without being Charlie Sheen.

As you read in a previous entry (or better have!) I have taken to going to Sams. But not today. I was thinking about an item I needed, though, and how strange it is to buy them in bulk. Somethings work out fine when you buy a thousand of them, like ziploc baggies or Teddy grahams. There are a few things that are not quite as seemly. At least, that's the impression that I get.

I am thinking, of course, of toilet paper. Is it just me, or is there some sort of weird stigma for someone carrying around a giant package of toilet paper? When you see someone, particularly a guy, carrying a 64 roll package of bathroom tissue, isn't your first immediate thought, "Wow, he must like tacos." Women, particularly middle aged women, get a little bit of a pass because they tend to be buying for families more often than men, and is probably dealing with children who are [probably] boys and don't know how to take care of themselves.

What other things can you think of that might be better served being bought from Publix rather than Sams? I say tacos.

Inline outline leave me alone

You know what I miss? Aside from Crystal Pepsi, I mean. Then again, my tastes have probably changed since then. I remember liking Wild Cherry Pepsi a lot, but I bought a 12 pack for a poker game and I don't think I like it quite as much. It might be because I have been drinking a lot more cherry flavored sodas lately, like Cheerwine (one of the glorious discoveries I made in Clemson) and IBC Black Cherry (2/$5 at Kroger!), both of which are like Naomi and Wynonna compared to Ashely, except in reverse. I hope that wouldn't be true of Crystal Pepsi.

That's not what I meant to get started on, though. I miss Roman numerals. I think they are a classier way of counting, and identifying things, numerically speaking. I know that Arabic numerals revolutionized math, what their zero and all, but why do we write Thurston Howell III and not Thurston Howell 3? Class, that's why. Also, crossword puzzles.

Think of all the things that Roman numerals are used for: fancy watches - classy. Kings and queens - classy. Super Bowl - classy. Sort of. Outlines - actually, this one isn't as easy to see. To be honest, it took me a long time to really understand how outlines were supposed to work when I was first exposed to them. I know you are probably thinking, "Wow. And you went to grad school?" My explanation is this: shut up. Taking notes was a little foreign to me, and organizing things in a number-letter-number-etc hierarchy just didn't click, like the 2nd and 3rd Matrix movies. I grew out of it, though, I think. Let's see if that's true.

I. Good Actors
A. Actors
1. Anthony Hopkins
2. Paul Newman
a. The Verdict
b. Sells food with proceeds to charity!
i. Like salad dressing and spaghetti sauces
ii. Don't forget limeade!
3. Keanu Reeves
a. Just kidding.
b. Or am I?
B. Actresses
1. Amy Adams
a. I love her
b. I could be a driver
2. Zhang Ziyi
a. I'm not sure if it's Zhang Ziyi or Ziyi Zhang. It's the opposite here than in China
b. That hair stick scene in Rush Hour 2 is amazing
3. Meryl Streep
a. I hear she's pretty good
b. I saw a preview for Mamma Mia last night in Batman and that song is infectious
c. Death Becomes her
i. Totally underrated.
ii. She shoots Goldie Hawn with a shotgun!
II. Evil Actors
A. Actors
1. Mel Gibson
a. Racists are evil
b. Or was that Australians?
2. Russell Crowe
3. Keanu Reeves
a. Just kidding.
b. Or am I?
B. Actresses
1. Angelina Jolie
a. I think Brad made the wrong choice
b. She's crazy
i. Remember that thing with her brother at the Oscars?
ii. And her kids' names?
iii. And Billy Bob Thornton!?!
a) Vial of blood
b) Tattoos
c) Billy Bob Thornton!?!
2. Rosie O'Donnell
a. Does she even count anymore
b. I liked A League of Their Own
3. Winona Ryder
a. Shoplifting is illegal
b. Day-O

That's right, isn't it? And you what the best part of it is? Of course you do; you're smart. It's the Roman numerals! So everyone, go watch a sequel featuring Amy Adams.

Part of a complete breakfast

I used to be skeptical of cereal. I mean that in more recent times; before that I used to think that cereal could do no wrong. Cocoa Puffs, Lucky Charms, Froot Loops, you name it. If there would have been a civil suit between Sonny the Cocoa Puffs bird and some other non-cereal related cartoon character when I was 8, I probably would have sided with Sonny because he was involved with such a delicious cereal, even if part of the evidence provided by the other cartoon was a tape recording of "I'm cuckoo for tortious interference!" That is, assuming that's what the lawsuit was about and the other cartoon character was not a Ninja Turtle. I'm pretty sure they would have trumped everybody when I was 8.

That all changed, though, when I started buying my own food. Cereal is expensive, particularly the ones I mentioned. And if you have big bowls, they don't last for very long. It's also so easy to skip breakfast, so paying $5 a box for chocolate favored grains that are mostly air anyway is an easy excuse. It's a shame, really, because all we keep hearing about is how important breakfast is. I'm really a little surprised that the FDA or whoever else is responsible for PSAs hasn't tried this sort of ad campaign with Law & Order. That would reach a lot of people. The Saturday morning angle is nice, but that's only half the puzzle. The kids are key, yes, but half the time you tell an adult that you want something that has a childish name and they screw it up. Like, for example, my dad made reference to "MyTube" the other day. He meant Facebook. Adults need to be bombarded with terminology, and Law & Order is the way to do it. Dun dun.

But I've had a cereal renaissance lately. It started when I just got tired of not eating breakfast. I also found that Crispix, probably one of my Top 5 cereals is considerably cheaper than Lucky Charms, which is a natural top choice since I share a cultural heritage with that particular cereal. Crispix also seems like it's a good choice health-wise, since the it's ingredients are boring things like corn and rice and the sugar content isn't measured in pounds. Although at this point I don't really know exactly how to determine if a given food is all that good for you anymore, since one of my friends is a doctor and occasionally laughs at me for suggesting that something might be good for you. The reaction was akin to somebody suggesting to me that they did their own calculations for the buildings in their house by the statics formula F=ma^2. (Which is fundamentally false.)

At any rate, I'm going to keep eating Crispix as long as it's cheap enough to not offend my sensibilities. Also, Shrek is on the front of the box and he's almost as good as Sonny.

Ring, ring goes the bell

This week begins the fall semester at Clemson University, and really, it's a two-edged sword. I have completed all of the course work requirements for my degree, so the classes themselves are neither edge. The good edge is mostly football season and increased presence of college aged females in the area. The bad edge is that it will take me longer to buy groceries.

Football season is wonderful. Everybody's excited, people are talking to people they don't know about a game, and there is tailgate food. Game days are like a carnival, except without the cotton candy and shiftless people running rides. The shiftless people sell tickets in front of the stadium instead. It's all very energetic, but it is a little weird to think that some of the guys on the field are younger than me, and 85,000 people are cheering their names. I don't know what I'd do if 85,000 read this and wanted me to succeed; hell, I don't know what I'd do if 18 people read this. I'd probably quit my job and try to figure out a way to swindle all of you out of money so that I wouldn't have to do real work. Come to think of it, that's pretty much what athletes have done.

The big problem is that the population of Clemson, SC will double this week. Clemson is a delightful (but slightly boring) place during the summer. The weather is nice, it's deserted so you can always get food on a moment's notice, and the traffic/parking situation is stellar. Now, none of that is true. The weather might not change, but otherwise I stand by it. You see, when large numbers of college age females females do anything, college age males follow. I'm pretty sure that every sorority house has at least one guy dressed as a women who has infiltrated their ranks. So, when I go to the grocery store to buy peanut butter, feta cheese, and jalapenos, I'll have to either go at 9:45 after the people have already bought their beer for the night or wait in Disneyesque lines and fight with traffic. The traffic isn't so bad, compared to my last place of residence (Atlanta), but parking downtown is. Downtown is where the bars and restaurants are (in case that wasn't obvious) and it's a small street and really kind of oddly shapen, sort of like a banana with strange protusions. Actually, it's nothing like that; it's more like a cactus. Regardless, the parking situation is less than ideal.

Anyway, these next few weeks will mean football and having to park further away from my lab.
Over the summer, I sort of staked out a regular spot, although I think my roommate and I staked out the same one. We have opposite schedules so it worked out. Neither of us have class though. Is there such a thing as a one edged sword?

No-bake? No thanks.

I went to the grocery store today to get food. I guess I could've just said I went to the grocery store today, since, really, food is typically the items purchased at that sort of store. I saw a number of things that caught my attention, like buy one get one free half-dozen bagels, but I had to pass on because I will be returning to my native land of Florida on Tuesday. I really wanted twelve bagels, but I don't think I could eat them all before I left, and didn't really care to test it.

I also noticed no-bake cookies in the bakery. I was stunned, because I also happened to notice what the first four letter is bakery are. I almost bought them, so I could bitch about them, but then I remembered, "Hey! This is the internet! I don't have to actually know what I'm talking about!" So I'm going to bitch anyway. The biggest advantage of no-bake is that you don't have to bake them. You know what? That's also the advantage of going to a bakery to buy the cookies. You don't have to bake those either. So really, they're just advertising that with this particular dessert, they were just as lazy as you are. So why should I buy those no-bake oatmeal cookies instead of real oatmeal cookies?

I also wanted to write a post about how bowling was invented by terrorists, but really, I don't have much more to say about the activity than that. I think invented by terrorists may be a recurring title. Also, I decided to turn off comment moderation and managed to fix the time zone.

It's less intense

I have used Listerine every time I brush my teeth for a while now. However, when my last bottle was used up, I opted to give a competitor a try, because I was given, Charlie's golden ticket style, a coupon for Crest's mouthwash for $3 off, making it cost something like $1.50. Compared to the outrageous $5 that Listerine costs, I'd buy it even if the only available flavor was mayonnaise.

It's some blue color, like some sort of goo you'd expect to see in a Ghostbusters movie. Or that fictitious blue raspberry flavor. Show me an actual blue raspberry and I'll take this color/flavor combination seriously. (Wikipedia has one, but I don't trust it. I couldn't find a second picture in my three minutes of Google searching.) But I swished it around in my mouth, and did the requisite gargle before making my sink turn vaguely blue. It does not make your mouth feel like the inner layer of cells is being burned off your face. And you know, as awful as that is in Listerine (one time while gargling a bubble landed in my eye), it makes me feel like it's working. I can't say for sure that it is, because while my knowledge of elementary chemistry is relatively solid, translating that into biology is very hard for me. Unless it's talking about chemicals that will kill you. But alcohol -> oxidation -> burning -> dead bacteria makes sense to me.

So, I have a medium bottle of Crest mouthwash, that I can't be sure if it's actually accomplishing anything. I could be swishing with orange juice and get the same dental effect, as far as I can tell. Except it wouldn't be blue.

Invented by Terrorists: Spray Deodorant

I was going to say communists, but I think they have lost some of their evilness lately. I have been reduced to using a spray deodorant because I have exhausted my stick deodorant and haven't made a trip to Bi-Lo specifically for deodorant yet. I like to get more efficiency out of a trip to the grocery store than one item.

But I might make an exception soon. I have not had good luck with spray deodorants. They make my underarms (I won't use a word as classless as "pits") sticky. They don't cover up the stank as well as a stick deodorant, even though most of my days revolve spending time in front of a computer at the lab, so there's not a lot of time to build up stank, fortunately for everyone involved. It also strikes me more of a mask than an actual deodorant, but I don't know if that's true or not. The engineer in me wants to test that somehow, but after I've written that out, that sounds just a little psychotic. And gross.

Also, the white chalky sticks are disastrous because they become residents of your shirt later in the day. The clear, stick deodorants are the way to go for my money. Also, no support for terrorists, so that's also a plus.