The radio is the window to the soul

Since I have very little patience for the foolish whimsy of today's youth's taste in music, I usually have a classic rock station on one of the presets in my radio. In each place that I have lived, there has been a go to song or a couple of songs that get way too much airplay. Any song by Styx would fit in here (yes, even Mr. Roboto -- Dennis DeYoung is a crazy person, by the way).

Back home in the VC, they played a lot of George Thorogood. He's a pretty tough rocker who made the Bo Diddley Beat famous to a whole new generation (Bo Diddley's Who Do You Love is way better, but of course, saying that the original blues song by a black guy is better than the white boy cover is like saying "I prefer the smell of cinnamon to that of flaming skunks"). He's also from Delaware, which just doesn't really jive with the image of Bad to the Bone, does it? Do they even have guitars in Delaware?

In the Haute, you could not get into the car and tune into 105.9 the River and not hear Jimi Hendrix's All Along the Watchtower. Oddly, Terre Haute had better taste in music than Daytona did, but as great as that song is, I don't want to hear it every time I get into the car. Clemson had an overabundance of the Eagles, but that thesis will be mentioned in a minute. Augusta seems to have a few issues: too much REO Speedwagon and a lot of Cocaine. Don't get me wrong, I love Slowhand, but one time I ate 15 peanut butter and chocolate chip Chips Ahoy cookies and never wanted to look at cookies ever again. REO Speedwagon has no redeeming qualities -- within the context of this analogy, REO Speedwagon would be trying to eat seven pounds of black jellybeans.

I have been convinced in my time in Clemson (and extrapolated to the other places I've been) that you can always find and Eagles song playing on the radio no matter where you are. At every location within the United States, if you have a functioning radio, you can hear either Take it Easy, Desperado, or Peaceful Easy Feeling. Guaranteed. I used to like the Eagles, now I don't care if I ever hear Hotel California again. I could go for some of those cookies, though.

Why can't one of these stations develop a weird obsession with somebody different? Like the Yardbirds or Spencer Davis Group or Johnny Horton? Sink the Bismarck! definitely does not get enough airplay.

Winners in categories of whatever I want

Keeping up with How Observant has slowed a little, sadly, because The Tiger is publishing again now, and I am a columnist for that fine publication. I don't think they have put up my first column on-line yet, but when/if they do (they should), I'll pop a link in here. I got another one coming out on Friday. Either I'm getting crappier at it, or a lot more demanding on myself because I have been having a lot of questions about how satisfied I am with my submissions.

Anyway, I am going to give you some winners of whatever categories I feel like filling, a la the Emmys. Except not tv shows or gay.

Best Song Involving Fruit
Nominees: Tangerine [Led Zeppelin], Grapefruit - Juicy Fruit [Jimmy Buffett], Coconut [Harry Nilsson], These Apples [Barenaked Ladies]

Winner: I know Bobby is going to throw a fit, but I've gotta go with Coconut on this one. It's weird enough to be funny, but sane enough to be good. Also, Jacob and I performed it at open mic once, so it has sentimental value. Tangerine lost out mostly because the only fruit involvement comes from the title. If it was actually about a tangerine rather than a girl nicknamed Tangerine, it would've probably won.

Most Irritating Grammatical Error
Nominees: Misspelling, Pluralizing with an apostrophe, Ending a sentence with a preposition, Incorrect subject/verb agreement

Winner: This is really an easy one, Pluralizing with an apostrophe is really in another league here. Misspelling is bad, but in this age of computers, typos are an evil with which we simply have to live. Preposition is close, but it definitely seems pretentious and subject/verb simply isn't a common enough mistake to get the air time it deserves.


Worst State I've Ever Lived In
Nominees: Georgia, Indiana, Michigan, Florida, South Carolina

Winner: Those are all the states I've actually lived in for longer than like a week, so even the good ones are in there. This one is another with a clear cut winner; these middles ones are like the Best Score and Best Editor awards during the Academy Awards. Slow parts until the big ones come. Indiana is clearly the winner here; the Midwest is really lame.

Best Actor to Play Batman
Nominees: Adam West, Michael Keaton, Christian Bale, Val Kilmer

Winner: I think it's interesting to see that Val Kilmer beat out George Clooney in the nominations; the judges are really taking a risk there. Really, though, Adam West has to win this. I think Christian Bale could really compete in the future, but he needs more than one outing as the Caped Crusader to take home the win. But sometimes you just have to ask the question, "What sits in a tree, weighs six ounces and is very dangerous?"

Most Annoying Classic Rock Radio Staple Band
Nominees: Styx, Supertramp, Rush, REO Speedwagon

Winner: This is definitely the most contentious category so far; any one of them could easily be the winner against lesser competition. But this isn't lesser competition; this is the winners in whatever categories I want. And I want to find the most annoying classic rock radio staple band. I think it really has to be REO Speedwagon, though, because they're not even really rock, and they get a lot of air time. Why? They're not very good. Rush and Styx are really annoying, but at least nominally they are a rock band. Supertramp had somebody cover their work and made it sound worse, so I think they get a pass for now. But REO Speedwagon seems to combine the worst of Styx and Rush - the faggety sounding singing with the soulless pop music backing it. Congratulations!

Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution

Have you noticed how classic rock radio stations within the past five or so years have started playing a series of songs by the same artist? They sometimes have cute little names for that segment, like a rock block or an artist twofer. It's kind of a weird development, because all of a sudden, everyone was doing it. It might just be Clear Channel decided to try it out, and every station happens to be owned by them, but radio stations are doing it. I have to say, I'm a little conflicted by this practice.

Sometimes, it's awesome, if you get an artist that you haven't heard in a while and get a pair of songs by somebody like the Cars. Let's Go followed by Moving in Stereo would be fantastic. I think I'll put that cd in and listen to them right now. But if you get a pair by like Rush or Styx, that's like a kick right in the balls. In fact, that should be a punishment for losing on a game show, because you know that you're going to have to wait like 8 minutes, which is a borderline eternity in radio time, before you're going to get another shot at even a remotely redeeming artist like Supertramp. Sure, they're not great, but they would sound like they rock harder than Quiet Riot after Dennis DeYoung.

I think, on the whole, I have to say I'm not in favor of it. I'd rather hear an interesting song by Fleetwood Mac, and then move on to ZZ Top. If I want to listen to the entire first side of Rumours, I'll go buy it. Now let me hear Tusk followed by Legs.

I would like to point out that there is a football game tomorrow, where Clemson will be meeting Florida Atlantic on the field of battle known as Death Valley. This is essentially a freebie, since I should be in prayer mode in preparation of the festivities tomorrow. If we were playing a real football team, there is no way that I would be posting right now. But I must say, Go Tigers, and on Monday night, there will be an inordinate number of Miami Hurricanes fans in Clemson, South Carolina.