Inline outline leave me alone

You know what I miss? Aside from Crystal Pepsi, I mean. Then again, my tastes have probably changed since then. I remember liking Wild Cherry Pepsi a lot, but I bought a 12 pack for a poker game and I don't think I like it quite as much. It might be because I have been drinking a lot more cherry flavored sodas lately, like Cheerwine (one of the glorious discoveries I made in Clemson) and IBC Black Cherry (2/$5 at Kroger!), both of which are like Naomi and Wynonna compared to Ashely, except in reverse. I hope that wouldn't be true of Crystal Pepsi.

That's not what I meant to get started on, though. I miss Roman numerals. I think they are a classier way of counting, and identifying things, numerically speaking. I know that Arabic numerals revolutionized math, what their zero and all, but why do we write Thurston Howell III and not Thurston Howell 3? Class, that's why. Also, crossword puzzles.

Think of all the things that Roman numerals are used for: fancy watches - classy. Kings and queens - classy. Super Bowl - classy. Sort of. Outlines - actually, this one isn't as easy to see. To be honest, it took me a long time to really understand how outlines were supposed to work when I was first exposed to them. I know you are probably thinking, "Wow. And you went to grad school?" My explanation is this: shut up. Taking notes was a little foreign to me, and organizing things in a number-letter-number-etc hierarchy just didn't click, like the 2nd and 3rd Matrix movies. I grew out of it, though, I think. Let's see if that's true.

I. Good Actors
A. Actors
1. Anthony Hopkins
2. Paul Newman
a. The Verdict
b. Sells food with proceeds to charity!
i. Like salad dressing and spaghetti sauces
ii. Don't forget limeade!
3. Keanu Reeves
a. Just kidding.
b. Or am I?
B. Actresses
1. Amy Adams
a. I love her
b. I could be a driver
2. Zhang Ziyi
a. I'm not sure if it's Zhang Ziyi or Ziyi Zhang. It's the opposite here than in China
b. That hair stick scene in Rush Hour 2 is amazing
3. Meryl Streep
a. I hear she's pretty good
b. I saw a preview for Mamma Mia last night in Batman and that song is infectious
c. Death Becomes her
i. Totally underrated.
ii. She shoots Goldie Hawn with a shotgun!
II. Evil Actors
A. Actors
1. Mel Gibson
a. Racists are evil
b. Or was that Australians?
2. Russell Crowe
3. Keanu Reeves
a. Just kidding.
b. Or am I?
B. Actresses
1. Angelina Jolie
a. I think Brad made the wrong choice
b. She's crazy
i. Remember that thing with her brother at the Oscars?
ii. And her kids' names?
iii. And Billy Bob Thornton!?!
a) Vial of blood
b) Tattoos
c) Billy Bob Thornton!?!
2. Rosie O'Donnell
a. Does she even count anymore
b. I liked A League of Their Own
3. Winona Ryder
a. Shoplifting is illegal
b. Day-O

That's right, isn't it? And you what the best part of it is? Of course you do; you're smart. It's the Roman numerals! So everyone, go watch a sequel featuring Amy Adams.

Zaxby's ztole from Zima, Reeze'z Piecez; nobody noticez

There is a new batch of commercials that showcase Zaxby's zalad zensations and in what manner the people like to eat them. So far, nobody has said on a plane or in a train that I have seen. The thing about this, though, is that it combines the add campaigns from two others. Anybody remember Zima, which offered zomething different? I sure do. After checking Wikipedia, it is apparently still made. Which is shocking. Evidently, it was part of the transparent drink craze, which honestly, I kind of miss. I would drink clear anything. But the point is, Zima renamed s words as z words which was pretty obnoxious ten years ago, and hasn't gotten cool since.

I know every single one of you remembers "There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's", which was actually a pretty good campaign. I remember the one with Dracula, and he sucked the peanut butter out, vampire style. I wish I could do that. I'd do it to all sorts of things, like oranges and eclairs. Wouldn't it suck to bite into an eclair that had all the custard sucked out?

The thing I don't understand is why would anyone steal someone else's ad campaign, especially if it was a bad one? Tag ripping off Axe is a little more understandable, because it's basically just hot chicks wanting to bone guys who use the product. That's pretty universal. Hot chicks sell stuff. They used to sell beer, but the beer folks have been pretty quiet lately. They need to step up their game a little.

I do have a question, though. How may of you really think that Zaxby's zalads would really be zensational? And how come they don't go ahead and say zenzational? That seems like an arbitrary time to be a stickler for correct spelling, don't you think? Also, do they still make Zima? If so, why?

Let me borrow a dollar

You know what hasn't gotten attention that deserves it? The dollar feeder on vending machines. Their technology has progressed a long way. Remember when you were a kid and you had to starch your dollar so that it would be crisp enough to be accepted by the machine to give you your Crystal Pepsi? If it found even a single wrinkle, your hopes would be dashed more quickly than the machine could say "Mmmuuurrrzzzhhh." You would unfold the corners, but still nothing. You wouldn't even care about the change at this point, you just wanted a Mountain Dew more than anything. There was always hope, though! Of course! You flatten it out on the side of the machine! This is one of those things like blowing into the Nintendo cartridges that renew hope in the eyes of the late 80s/early 90s child of achieving the ultimate goal of Mello Yello or Basewars that was really arbitrary when all is said and done.

When was the last time you had to do that? I'll bet you can't remember, because of the progress of vending machine dollar feeder engineering. Nowadays, when you put in a dollar, that damn thing takes it. It doesn't really give you change anymore, because Coke costs $1, they don't make Crystal Pepsi, and if they did, it would cost $1, too. Really, I expect that the increase in soda prices is driven by the investment in vending machine dollar feeder research. I don't really mind, though, because that is what I call results. If all technology progressed that successfully, we'd all be flying to work passing George Jetson while our house is cleaned by Rosie. It might be expensive, but it wouldn't have to be very crisp.