There's only one thing that they're good for

Super Bowl season is upon us, so my mind is thinking about commercials since nobody in the country expects anyone other than Indianapolis (motto: Indiana's not that bad) to win this year. The big news is that Levitra is no longer an NFL sponsor, so we won't have to waste our time with a smiling, middle aged man throwing innuendo through a tire swing. (Or was that Cialis? Who gives a damn?)

I do look forward to commercials put out by the Anheuser-Busch Corporation. This year, however, I have my doubts. The reason for this, as you have probably already guessed, is a fictional character named Ted Fergusun, the Bud Light Daredevil. This is an unfortunate campaign, mostly due to execution. It's a pretty funny concept that was poorly cast and directed, leaving the once great advertising brand forever stained, not unlike Aerosmith appearing on the Super Bowl halftime show a few years ago with NSYNC and Britney Spears, or releasing Just Push Play.

So far, I have seen three BLDd commercials, and really, if you've seen one, you've seen them all. It's a nerdy guy dressed in skate pads and goggles preparing to do something inane (but daring) like staying late at the office or filling up with low test instead of medium, followed by falling down after grunting, getting oxygen and then asking for a Bud Light. There is always a cut to Bud Light titles followed by a poorly delivered one-liner that isn't funny.

Here's an example:
[Shot of BLDd in skating pads with angry look on his face]
BLDd: I'm going to try my hardest stunt yet! Try to eat clam chowder with a fork!
[Dramatic music - cut to BLDd at a table with a fork and a bowl of soup in front of him]
BLDd: (scooping) I got one clam and no chowder! (grunts)
Off frame voice: Time!
[BLDd grunts and falls down]
Off frame voice: Get him some oxygen! All of our dialogue ends in exclamation points!
BLDd: (whispering) Bud Light!
Off frame voice: Even the whispers!
[Cut to Bud Light titles]
BLDd: Don't try this at home!
[End]

If they made that one, it would be in at least the upper 50th %ile of Ted Fergusun commercials. I have never used "%ile" in writing before, and I must say that I like it. It would not, however, do so well in comparison to the other Anheuser-Busch commercials. Like the pilot jumping out of the airplane for Bud Light or the Budweiser lizard ("Never send a ferret to do a weasel's job"), for example. So, Bud Light advertisement guy, give us a good one again this Super Bowl, and we'll salute you as a real man of genius.