Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Man I Miss Video Cameras: So You Think You Can Write?

I don't know if you knew this about me, but I used to write movies in college. Actually, all of you probably knew that already, since most of you were there. Well, I miss it. I wish I had a camera so I could talk my friends into making fools themselves and broadcasting it on the internet via something along the lines of youtube. Although, if I continue to generate the sorts of media I am like this blog and newspaper articles and (soon) movies, then maybe it should be time to invest in an actual domain of my own. I just need you people to tell your friends so I can make money off this endeavor. I know you are probably thinking, "Why should we do that?" For two reasons: you have nothing better to do at work and I would be happy to buy you a drink if I were making money off of this.

This isn't quite a whole movie, but it's a sort of preview. This will probably be the longest entry I've posted, but you might find yourself reading more things written in the style of a screenplay more often.



So U Think U Can Write?

[Fade in]

[Crowd of 20 somethings shown sitting in a classroom, writing in notebooks.]

NARRATOR
[in voice over]

In a class of some of the best young writers in America

[Fade out]

[Fade into an office with STAN and an older person, INSTRUCTOR. STAN is seated, while the INSTRUCTOR is standing and reading from a notebook.]

INSTRUCTOR
[yelling]
You think this is good? You waste my time with this… this garbage? You’ll never get published with that. Do you even want this? You have to want this. Do you want this…?

[Fade out]

[Fade into a bookstore coffee shop. STAN is seated at a table by himself, three other 20 somethings are together, with coffee drinks.]

[ANGLE ON bookstore fa├žade. QUICK CUT to STAN.]

NARRATOR
Where the only thing that flashes as bright as the talent…

[ANGLE ON ERIN, TOM and VICKY. ERIN and TOM are clearly together.]

ERIN
[looking at STAN]

He writes so well, but with his reckless attitude, he’ll never last in this career.

TOM
Some people just aren’t cut out for this.

VICKY
I think you’re jealous, Tom.

[Fade out]

[Fade in. ANGLE ON chalkboard that says “Open Mic Night.”]

NARRATOR
…are the egos.

[ANGLE ON TOM, ERIN and VICKY at the bar of the coffee shop.]

TOM
I killed! It was perfect.

ERIN
[kissing Tom on the cheek]
Wonderful job, Tom.

[STAN approaches to pick up a tea and cookie.]

ERIN
What did you think, Stan?

STAN
I really liked it. It was a little heavy on alliteration, though.

[TOM aggressively knocks the mug out of STAN’s hand.]

TOM
Too much alliteration? I didn’t see you up there, Tennessee Williams. You want a go, with me Oscar Wilde? I’m gonna shove your head so far up your ass you’ll be a walking enjambment!

ERIN
Guys, no! Don’t hurt him Tom!

[Fade out.]

[ANGLE ON a party. ERIN and TOM are on a couch, surrounded by people. TOM is talking loudly but unintelligibly. ERIN does not look like she’s enjoying herself.]

NARRATOR
This is the time…

[ANGLE ON VICKY talking to STAN]

VICKY
You know she loves you, right?

STAN
Why should I care about that? She’s with Tom now.

VICKY
Yeah, well she shouldn’t be. He’s a jerk. And he’s been saying that he doesn’t think you’ll ever get published. He said he’s not even sure you should call yourself a writer anymore. Are you gonna let him talk about you like that and get the girl?

STAN
Give me a damn pen.

[Fade out]

[ANGLE ON ERIN and STAN]

NARRATOR
…when you have to ask yourself…

ERIN
We shouldn’t.

STAN
I know.

[They go in to kiss but fades out in a way to make it seem unclear if they actually do.]

[Fade out]

[ANGLE ON TOM, VICKY, ERIN and STAN in the coffee shop.]

NARRATOR
One simple question:

TOM
[yelling at STAN]
I know about you two! This should be settled the way men do this! On paper! See you Friday at the reading you lousy pulp writer!

[Fade out to title: So You Think You Can Write?]

NARRATOR
So You Think You Can Write?

[End scene.]

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Graphs Aplenty: Matt Drudge

I myself am not an avid reader of the Drudge Report. I'm not a reader of it at all, I guess, avid or not. Do you ever describe anything as avid other than consumption of various sorts media? (I am an avid watcher of the news. I am an avid eater of salsa. I am an avid sleeper. Do those work?) I don't have a lot of personal insight to add to this graph.


It is important, however, to note that the Y-Axis shows Personal Anger at Matt Drudge and not necessarily at the content being presented. As my avidness in going to the Drudge Report is so lacking, I cannot provide stylistic input as to the potential source of the anger from a "factual" point of view, so I'm just going to speculate that Mr. Drudge is a jackass, and that clearly shows through in his writing. But I don't know that for sure; I need to stress how I am speculating that Matt Drudge is a jackass.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

A little information

I was made aware of the fact that one of my friends was unaware of the rules. No, not to Bridge, although I don't know how that game works either. I know how to play Euchre and Spades, which are like Bridge's less sophisticated Midwestern and less sophisticated popular cousins. I don't know where Spades is from, but I would suspect something like a military family, because it comes from everywhere. But, I wasn't talking about Bridge.

Also, some people have trouble with the rules to some sports. For example, football can be tricky to the novice. I myself have no problem with football, but hockey is like some sort of crazy game that Yetis and Canadians play. I'm pretty sure that the rules to that game change as it goes on, not unlike Marshgammon.

I was talking about relationship ages. I was pretty sure that the rule for this was common knowledge: half your age plus seven. That's the youngest girl that a guy is allowed to date. Wikipeidia says that it's just the older to younger regardless of gender, but I'm pretty sure that women have more leeway. If guys guy younger, then they are bringing more creepiness into the world, and nobody wants that. If you're the girl and allowing it, then you are abetting creepiness, and you have nobody to blame but yourself. But y'all knew that already, right?

Friday, May 09, 2008

That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

I found myself watching some Hardball tonight, which is actually a pretty common occurrence in the Engineer Sighted household. Chris Matthews is my favorite of the cable news personalities, because he can go from angry and belligerent to inexplicably sycophantic faster than it would take Abe Lincoln to throw a punch while on a bender. Also, he (Matthews) has the same smile as my nephew when he laughs.

He was talking about Al Gore as a potential Cabinet Secretary, since he (Gore) just released a statement saying he didn't want to be one. (I don't know how much you know about politics, but that's tantamount to saying "I'm not interested in her. Really. I'm not. Not her smooth skin, beautiful hair or excellent smile. Not interested." [I don't know why I started with skin.]) Matthews goes on to say that Gore would make a fabulous Secretary of State, and suggested that it might be the best job in the world.

There are two issues with that sentence. First, SecState isn't the best job in the world; Vice President is and Gore already had it. VP is the best job in the world because you get all kinds of awesome perks and basically zero responsibility. So, pay attention, Matthews. The second thing, though, is the use of the word fabulous. It has pretty much been co-opted by gay guys and fans of Sex and the City. Or so I hear.

I don't like the fact that there are words and phrases that are relegated to certain groups. Whenever I want to use some sort of superlative word that begins with "f", I am stuck with fantastic. Not that I dislike fantastic, it's a great word. I like synonyms. Bourgeois is another one that is hard to use anymore, because of the Communists. I don't think I need to say anything more about Communists, do I?

Sunday, May 04, 2008

I'm not Mr. Rogers yet

I found myself watching Family Guy, kind of by accident, and saw the latest installment of the Alltel commercials featuring Chad. I wanted to write about how aggravated I am by both of those things, but I didn't want to repeat myself. Although I do want to say again that Family Guy is really daggum overrated.

The thing that made me even more aggravated about the latest installment of the Alltel commercial (other than the fact that I wasted my college career studying engineering instead of marketing where I could have probably had an easier go of it and make more money because I'm not retarded) is that they ruined the large vans with wizards painted on them. No longer are those vans with giant wizards painted on the side limited to stoners and people who would rather be driving motorcycles. Apparently now it's for screwups trying to sell cell phones.

I, of course, have concerns about running out of new material, but I feel like this is a battle that needs to be renewed periodically. Both of them. It was like the tv gods were teasing me by rubbing my nose, naughty kittenlike, into the mess that they made. Family Guy isn't that funny. If you meet the actor who plays Chad, make fun of him for selling his dignity. Ask him how prostitution feels. And not the good kind.