Thursday, February 09, 2006

I'm right on this. Trust me.

I hate it when writers or speakers in any media use the expression "Trust me" following a statement of any sort. It is a sort of condescension that makes me feel like I'm talking to a college freshman who is taking a 300 level class who thinks he knows something. "Stalin could've beaten Hannibal in a spelling bee, trust me." It features often in internet message boards (which is a post all its own) with things like, "I happen to know a guy who sits next to Joe Montana at his kids' basketball games. He wasn't complaining about money at the Super Bowl, trust me."

The words always follow something that is either absurd or unprovable. If it wasn't, then the words "Trust me" would be entirely unnecessary. "The natural log of e(x) is x. Trust me." I'm sure of that relationship. After all, the word "engineer" is in my blogger name. Do I become more trustworthy by saying, "Trust me"? No, I become less, because I am suggesting that the words I am saying cannot stand on their own merits, like Nick without Jessica.

If I see it in print, it's doubly offensive, because in order to take anything serious in a newspaper or on an article on a website, the author must be trusted. By asking me to trust them, they make me doubt whether that initial trust was misplaced, since he obviously isn't sure that he is getting it. From now on, whenever anybody says "trust me" after anything to me I am going to immediately distrust them and demand proof. "It's three o'clock right now. Trust me." Not so fast, pally, you better prove that one. "Trust me, I'm not going to break into your home at night and murder your pets." Yeah, right, I've heard that one before. "That baby cannot start as fullback for the St. Louis Rams, trust me." I think you may be lying. "Trust me, you don't want to pick up that snapping turtle from the front." I don't know, why should I trust you?

It's one of those things that if you have to ask, you don't deserve it. Like a free round of drinks, an invitation to a party, a compliment, or to get married. If you force it, it just seems unnatural and awkward; you just have to earn them. Don't believe me? Well, you can go to hell.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Mediocre Bowl

I watch the commercials. I love the good ones (mostly just Geico right now) and complain about the awful ones. I also like football. I like college better than pro, but we haven't seen any college games for like a month, so I gotta deal with these guys. But the Super Bowl is the showcase for both of these cases. It also gives me a chance to see how women view football for a day.

Here are my top five and bottom five commercials. A few ground rules, though: No movie trailers, no commercials for shows (so Shaq crying for Desperate Housewives gets a pass, unfortunately) and boring ones don't get much attention. The bad ones will be offensive, not dull. The list of good ones will mostly be my favorites, the bad ones, though, will get some pretty serious analysis.

High Five
5. Sheep Streaker (Budweiser) - A shorn sheep streaked through a football game of Clydesdales. Personifying nudity in animals is pretty funny, especially when that animal makes a "baa" noise.
4. Russian Yakety Sax (Sprint) - A guy with a Russian accent explains that his phone can download a song for any occasion, and the song for couch on fire was Yakety Sax. I can think of no situation, though, for which Yakety Sax is inappropriate.
3. Crime Deterrent (Sprint) - Two guys compare their cell phones, and the Sprint guy says his has crime deterrent and throws the phone at the guy and hits him in the face. Could have been improved if they were playing Yakety Sax, though.
2. Magic Fridge (Bud Light) - A rotating panel in the wall is used to hide Bud Light from guests, but the neighbors receive it as a gift instead. This could've taken the top spot, but it finished kind of weak. Just like an actual Bud Light.
1. Machete Enthusiasts (Emerald Nuts) - Eagle-eyed Machete Enthusiasts Recognize A Little Druid Networking Under the Stairs. Every single one of theirs is dynamite. Dynamite!

Low Five
5. Mick Jagger in HD (Pregame) - This isn't really a commercial, but it would be criminal of me to not mention the fact that seeing Mick on a 126" projector in HD is like staring at the sun and when you close your eyes you see Roseanne naked. While taking a poop.
4. The one with just the monkeys ( - does commercials with monkeys. We've seen like 3 of them before SBXL. I put this one on the list because it was lazy and everybody else liked it. Well, I'm here to tell you it really sucked. The jackasses were really fully though. They were wearing pants! But the other one was crap.
3. Littler Monster (Hummer) - Ultraman and the grandmother from the old tv show Dinosaurs got it on and had a kid: the H3. No wonder the damn car is so ugly.
2. Whopperettes (Burger King) - This abortion of a commercial lasted like a minute and a half and an orgy of condiments really doesn't do it for me. I'm not surprised that idea came out of the same people that produced that weird king mask. Even referring to him as "The freaky king" wasn't enough.
1. Jay Mohr/Diddy (Diet Pepsi) - Either of the commercials would have fit, but I chose the music one. I have only seen like 15 Super Bowls in my life, and I have absolutely no problem with saying that this was the singular worst commercial in the history of Super Bowls. It may have been the worst ad ever created. I am including everything in the Taco Bell catalogue (which dodged a bullet not making the list). I am including the ED commercials. This is it. This is going to be one of those things that people remember forever about Jay Mohr. Nobody liked Diddy before, but I was on the fence with Mohr. There is no longer fence sitting now. When I saw this, I missed looking at Mick Jagger in HD.