Sunday, January 29, 2006

Just put it on my tab

This may seem surprising, but on Friday night, for the first time ever, I opened a bar tab. I normally pay in cash. I have to say, opening a tab is far superior in everyway to simply paying cash. I may never pay cash at a bar again. It's akin to the very first time you try boxers instead of the kiddie underoos. It's liberating. And it makes you feel like a big boy.

The first thing that happens after the tab is opened, the bartender asks, "What can I get you, Mr. Sighted?" He doesn't say my name when I pay with cash. Who doesn't like to hear their name, even if it's from a stranger who only knows it because I gave him a card that says I promise to give him money? Not me, that's who. I don't not like that a lot.

Later on, you don't have to worry about making the right change, if you're going to accidentally throw your wallet halfway across the bar while removing money or maybe drop it into a small pile of spilled vodka. You simply say, "I'll have a Jack and Coke, sir, and please, put it on my tab." What an empowering phrase that is. "Can I get you something? I'll put it on my tab!" If only everything worked like that.

Actually, I guess that's pretty much how a credit card works all the time, but it doesn't have the romance of the bar tab. Next time, I think I'll open two.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

You're welcome, ass.

I was recently (by recently I mean about 10 minutes ago) driving back from the lab when I decided to be nice and let somebody into the line of traffic out of the parking lot. After all, it was a red light. You know what the driver, after pulling into the spot I so generously left her in traffic, didn't give me while doing that? I guess literally everything could be an answer to that question, but I'm going for a thank you wave here. You know, if you read your history, not getting a thank you wave is what caused Kaiser Wilhelm to invade Belgium in 1914. When someone lets you into traffic, give them a thank you wave.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Doing Whatever a Coach K Can

I try to watch Clemson basketball whenever I can. I went to the Wake Forest game, it was fun. I couldn't make it into the Duke game, but I did watch it on tv. I watched Clemson beat Georgia Tech today, and that was great. But the important thing is what I realized while watching the Duke game on tv, and it's entirely unrelated to Clemson basketball.

In case you don't know, Duke is coached by Mike Krzyzewski, the man below. Nobody knows how to pronounce or spell his name (the spelling above is an approximation, like 3.14 for Pi), so they just call him Coach K.

He is a fantastic coach. He is probably the best college coach out there, and I respect him for it greatly. However, I can't get over the fact that he reminds me of a goblin. Especially when he is angry. It gets distracting when I am watching basketball and Duke is playing. And since Duke is Duke, every one of their games is televised by ESPN, because everybody loves Duke. At least, everybody who doesn't love a competing team. They're like the Notre Dame of college basketball. People just like them for no reason. Unless they hate them. None of this, however, changes the fact that the man looks like a goblin. It has changed my whole viewing experience; so when most people are watching the basketball court and seeing something like this:

Which isn't particularly unusual, since Coach K is frequently looking angry while directing his Blue Devils using some sort of hand signal towards the court while pointing at his unit. What I see, though, is slightly different; it is actually something more like this:

Duke got beat today by Georgetown, it was their first loss of the season. Their next game is on the 26th against VTech, I'm sure it'll be on ESPN. Just watch out for pumpkin bombs.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

There's only one thing that they're good for

Super Bowl season is upon us, so my mind is thinking about commercials since nobody in the country expects anyone other than Indianapolis (motto: Indiana's not that bad) to win this year. The big news is that Levitra is no longer an NFL sponsor, so we won't have to waste our time with a smiling, middle aged man throwing innuendo through a tire swing. (Or was that Cialis? Who gives a damn?)

I do look forward to commercials put out by the Anheuser-Busch Corporation. This year, however, I have my doubts. The reason for this, as you have probably already guessed, is a fictional character named Ted Fergusun, the Bud Light Daredevil. This is an unfortunate campaign, mostly due to execution. It's a pretty funny concept that was poorly cast and directed, leaving the once great advertising brand forever stained, not unlike Aerosmith appearing on the Super Bowl halftime show a few years ago with NSYNC and Britney Spears, or releasing Just Push Play.

So far, I have seen three BLDd commercials, and really, if you've seen one, you've seen them all. It's a nerdy guy dressed in skate pads and goggles preparing to do something inane (but daring) like staying late at the office or filling up with low test instead of medium, followed by falling down after grunting, getting oxygen and then asking for a Bud Light. There is always a cut to Bud Light titles followed by a poorly delivered one-liner that isn't funny.

Here's an example:
[Shot of BLDd in skating pads with angry look on his face]
BLDd: I'm going to try my hardest stunt yet! Try to eat clam chowder with a fork!
[Dramatic music - cut to BLDd at a table with a fork and a bowl of soup in front of him]
BLDd: (scooping) I got one clam and no chowder! (grunts)
Off frame voice: Time!
[BLDd grunts and falls down]
Off frame voice: Get him some oxygen! All of our dialogue ends in exclamation points!
BLDd: (whispering) Bud Light!
Off frame voice: Even the whispers!
[Cut to Bud Light titles]
BLDd: Don't try this at home!

If they made that one, it would be in at least the upper 50th %ile of Ted Fergusun commercials. I have never used "%ile" in writing before, and I must say that I like it. It would not, however, do so well in comparison to the other Anheuser-Busch commercials. Like the pilot jumping out of the airplane for Bud Light or the Budweiser lizard ("Never send a ferret to do a weasel's job"), for example. So, Bud Light advertisement guy, give us a good one again this Super Bowl, and we'll salute you as a real man of genius.