It's not quite a love poem, but they are tubers, after all

Sometimes when I perform an activity that I had not done for a long time, I am reminded at how wonderful that experience was and get angry with myself for not doing it more often. Watching Wayne's World is one of them. I love Wayne's World; both the movies and the SNL sketch. But I can't remember the last time I watched any of them.

I made mashed potatoes with dinner tonight. They were glorious. I don't know why I don't eat them multiple times a day. I don't know why this was the first time I've done it since I moved to Augusta. I hate myself a little for not eating them more. You know how sometimes you eat an entire five pound bag of fun size Snickers bars and then, bloated and hurting inside, wonder why you did that? It's like that, except the complete opposite. I want to invite them to my wedding. (For food, although making mashed potatoes a groomsman is not completely out of the question.)

I am now going to make short list of Chuck Norris style quotations expressing my opinions of mashed potatoes.

• They should give heroin addicts mashed potatoes instead of methadone, that would eliminate drug addictions everywhere.
• If Blowpop made a mashed potato flavored lollipop, we'd still be hearing about them.
• At football games, they should sell mashed potato hats like they sell beer hats. I would buy two.
• In Soviet Russia, potatoes mash you!
  
• I am going to start dipping instant mashed potatoes, when the real thing is unattainable.
• When I die, I hope it's a mob hit where I am fitted with cement shoes and thrown into a vat of butter mashed potatoes to sleep with the chives.
• The Egyptians should have built the pyramids out of mashed potatoes.
• In the future, instead of butter I will top my mashed potatoes with mashed potatoes.

Let me know if you have any others to add.

I think that anyone who starts watching a television show or movie in the middle and has no problem in doing so is a sociopath. That's really the biggest weakness with the guide programs that come with cable and satellite these days: when you see something good that's already started, you can't just jump into it. At least I can't, because I'm not a sociopath. This does not extend to sporting events.

This is a neurosis that I think is a lot more rational than some of the others. Interrupting a story or a movie or a tv show is simply unacceptable. The entire picture must be taken as a whole. I know what you're thinking right now. "Where do you draw the line? Do you need to see it from the absolute beginning? What id you tune into a show that starts at 8 at 8:03? Do you simply watch nothing for half an hour?" And that's a good question. Let me explain.

Most shows begin with a cold opening, then show their introductory titles. Saturday Night Live is the most famous show that follows this format. When Darrell Hammond comes up as Chris Matthews interviewing Hillary Clinton pretending to be one of the Sopranos and concludes with deadpanning of "LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!", that's the cold opening. The introductory titles are the cast credits with the sax music, then it goes to commercials. You have until the show comes back from commercials to start, or else the show is wasted. You can extend it until the start of the next commercials if it's an hour show. That's it, unless you've seen the episode before. Otherwise, you can't watch the show anymore. Or you're a sociopath. Your choice.