The evil citrus

I don't understand grapefruit. It looks like a giant orange on the outside, which is a pretty good start. It even looks pretty nice on the inside, but it's all deception; not unlike a beautiful woman who turns out to have syphilis. Take a bite into what looks like a delicious fruity meal (at least compared to its citrus brethren) and you are shocked and amazed by how frighteningly terrible this actually is. What other fruit to people make a habit of adding sugar to in order to enjoy? Grossberries?

Now, as a Floridian, I have sworn an oath to protect and defend citrus. However, now that I am officially a Georgia resident I can finally speak out publicly. This doesn't change my opinions of the others; oranges, limes, tangerines and lemons are all still pretty great, although lemons are a little boring. Limes are, as always, underrated.

On a recent visit, my dad purchased grapefruit juice, because he was afraid the other items in my refrigerator were being unruly. Grapefruit juice is like the fridge warden. I decided this morning that I might give it a try with my breakfast because I neglected to purchase orange juice, the heavenly citrus juice, yesterday at the grocery store. It is an unforgivable oversight, really. But I couldn't do it. I've said this before and I'll probably say it many, many times in the future: grapefruit juice tastes like bile. It evokes in me the same reaction you get when you burp a little too hard and get some throw up in the back of your mouth. Not my idea of a good experience.

There is good news, though: I do still have limeade. While it's a little bit sugary for a juice, it's still citrusy and satisfied my need for an acidic morning. My throat is frequently dry when I wake up, and orange juice is that cure for that. Among other things. Like scurvy.

You/That Yellow Bastard

My eyes were killing me today. Apparently, two days ago, every tree in South Carolina decided to start vomiting pollen on everything. This is the first time I've ever really been given any trouble at all by spring time pollen and what not, but it feels like my contacts are covered in pollen dust and I don't even know how to describe what my eyes feel like. Then again, I rarely know how to describe sensations that take place in my eyes, because stuff isn't supposed to touch them. So trips to the eye doctor are crazy because he sticks things into them and drops numb them and sometimes when I blink I'm lucky there's a bottom lid there to stop it because otherwise I'd just keep lowering the top one and who knows where it would end up. My lips? Gross.

The pollen isn't really that big of a deal, otherwise, I don't think. It does make everybody's car look like somebody spilled yellow cake mix on it, though. The weirdest thing, though, is to think that it's like plants are having sex all over us all the time when we go outside. That's a little bit troubling. Are there plant STDs? Can we catch them? Is that what's going on in my eyes right now? Some sort of flower gonorrhea? Not cool, flowers. If flower gonorrhea in my eyes is the price I have to pay for flowers smelling good, I think it might not be worth it.

The upside is that the weather is awesome. It's like mid- to upper-seventies and sunny, so it's that brief period where it's very nice right before it gets oppressively hot. Fortunately for me, that brief period is much longer than in Florida, what I'm used to. It could be three weeks, at that's like five times longer than at home. Then again, it's like 60ish in the winter, so it's really a matter of perspective I guess. The warmer weather does make limeade a more appropriate drink, though, and that's always cause for celebration.

Words and phrases that need to be used more often

Some of you might know that I am an advocate of some things, like Scrubs and Limeade. I think I need to start advocating underused words, in an effort to encourage others and generally improve our culture as a whole. I don't really feel like I need any credit; just being a part of something this big is reward enough.

I think the age of "Dude" has passed. I think we should look to our glorious history of placeholder words and revive "Cat" in this context. As in, "That cat over there just ordered the goulash." It makes me feel classy, like Sammy Davis Jr., every time I use it. What's classier than a cat a member of the Rat Pack and frequently parodied by Billy Crystal? Nothing.

Also, "No dice." It appears in Summertime Blues, so this also has a little mileage to it. However, I feel like it's been sufficiently rested to get some action again. The usage of this one, in case you don't know, is a little bit versatile; it can be an alternative to "No way" as in, "Would you like to help me with my beekeeping? My last partner got stung to death." --"No dice." Another usage is "It doesn't work." or "It was unsuccessful." Example: "No dice on setting up the vodka distillery at the church." The possibilities are endless!

Did we forget about "Bangerang"? It was a catchphrase from Hook, which I don't think got a lot of traction when it first debuted, but now, like a fine cheese, I think is ready for air. It is, of course, an exclamation declaring a positive reaction. Here is how you can work it into everyday conversation: "I can't believe it! I just got laid off!" --"Bangerang!" (if it's a guy you don't like) or "I just won a free movie rental with this scratch off ticket! Bangerang!"

I'm invoking a pair of classics. Some of you cats can offer some suggestions of your own, to modern this up a little. I look forward to some good ones. No dice if you suggest something that sucks, though.

We shall never be satisfied

Christmas came a little bit early at my parents' house. When I got back into Florida, there was a Gillette Fusion razor waiting for me. But who am I to turn down a free razor? I have been living in the past with a razor that's only three razors, so not only is this razor free, I'm being propelled for free into the now. I'm doubling the number of blades on my razor.

This attitude, though, doesn't answer the question of why Gillette is sending me free Fusion razors. I didn't get Gillette anything; does that make me rude? Then again, Gillette can afford it. I haven't used it yet. I still have a few razors that are three razors, but I'm afraid to jump headlong into the six razor, in case the experience really is as revolutionary as the commercials lead me to believe. It's also a little more expensive for the six razor cartridges than the three razor cartridges.

I can't remember the last time that something I bought was as revolutionary as the advertisers wanted me to think it was. High definition television, maybe, or limeade. Actually I don't remember seeing any ads about limeade, but it is pretty darn revolutionary. Lemonade is for pansies. But I sure don't remember getting something for free that changed my life. So I have to say I'm skeptical about the Fusion. Especially since I don't know how I can be sure that Gillette will stop at six. Why not eight? How about ten? How much of a luddite will I be considered if I stick it out with my three razors? Once I try out the Fusion, you can be sure that you'll hear about how smoothly shaven my face is. My guess is that it will be delightful.