You/That Yellow Bastard

My eyes were killing me today. Apparently, two days ago, every tree in South Carolina decided to start vomiting pollen on everything. This is the first time I've ever really been given any trouble at all by spring time pollen and what not, but it feels like my contacts are covered in pollen dust and I don't even know how to describe what my eyes feel like. Then again, I rarely know how to describe sensations that take place in my eyes, because stuff isn't supposed to touch them. So trips to the eye doctor are crazy because he sticks things into them and drops numb them and sometimes when I blink I'm lucky there's a bottom lid there to stop it because otherwise I'd just keep lowering the top one and who knows where it would end up. My lips? Gross.

The pollen isn't really that big of a deal, otherwise, I don't think. It does make everybody's car look like somebody spilled yellow cake mix on it, though. The weirdest thing, though, is to think that it's like plants are having sex all over us all the time when we go outside. That's a little bit troubling. Are there plant STDs? Can we catch them? Is that what's going on in my eyes right now? Some sort of flower gonorrhea? Not cool, flowers. If flower gonorrhea in my eyes is the price I have to pay for flowers smelling good, I think it might not be worth it.

The upside is that the weather is awesome. It's like mid- to upper-seventies and sunny, so it's that brief period where it's very nice right before it gets oppressively hot. Fortunately for me, that brief period is much longer than in Florida, what I'm used to. It could be three weeks, at that's like five times longer than at home. Then again, it's like 60ish in the winter, so it's really a matter of perspective I guess. The warmer weather does make limeade a more appropriate drink, though, and that's always cause for celebration.

In my eyes

My eyes are bothering me this morning. It happens every once in a while, something is in my contact, like an eyelash or a boulder. Right now, I think it's an eyelash. I meant to take my contacts out before I left for the lab, but I got out of the shower and before I knew it I had my contacts in my eyes (see previous post). In the lab, I have nowhere to put them if I were to take them out, other than in a beaker or flask or something, but I don't really want to put my contacts into a container that may have at one time held freon or anti-freeze.

I am a little conflicted about my eyelashes at times like these, though. You see, I have awesome eyelashes. People have told me that (and no, not my mom [actually, not just my mom]) but right now it feels like there is a sword piercing my right eye. As a result, I am tempted to grab the wire cutters in the cabinet and remove every last one of the vile hairs that are growing out of my eyelids. It's especially perplexing to think that there are people who actively try to lengthen their eyelashes with mascara. Long eyelashes might be nice, but I'm pretty sure only women notice them. And when they do notice that particular feature, it doesn't have quite the same effect as rock hard abs, a chiseled profile or a BMW, so really, it's kind of a disappointing victory in the physical lottery.

I wouldn't be surprised if after I write this, somebody writes, "I wish I had longer eyelashes." And that may be true. It reminds me of a pool party I just went to where two girls were complaining about their hair. One of them said to the other, "Your hair is so thick," to which she responded, "I know, it sucks." Evidently, she didn't realize that thick hair is good. It'd be like somebody else saying, "My legs are too long and sculpted. I can't wear high heels," without realizing that people wear high heels to have their legs look long and sculpted... or so I hear.

So, I guess I should stop my whining and suffer through the occasional maverick eyelash. I understand that some people think it's a good feature to have, even if I think of it as a baseball team having the best bat boy. It's nice, I guess, but I can think of a few areas of more pressing need. On the other hand, I'd probably look kind of weird if I went through with the eyelash cutting plan.

Oh, Magoo...

I do not have perfect vision. Well, I do, but that's because I employ the aid of contact lenses. Without them, I cannot read my computer screen. I'm serious, I checked. But, at night, before my contacts become dried layers of cataract upon my eyes, I remove them in exchange for my stylish Oakley glasses. I know they're stylish because I had someone else (my brother) pick them out for me. I feel like I would need a seeing-eye person for selecting anything remotely fashionable. For example, my shoes are orange.

But the thing I don't understand is that when I put on my glasses, after lying harmlessly on my bathroom sink all day, they are dirty. How does this happen? Does my roommate sneak in, twisting his mustache like Snidely Whiplash, and rub his thumbs all over my lenses? Or do they have some sort of make out session with my toothpaste? This really makes me wonder, because when I put them on, invariably, I clean them with my shirt. Every day. How can they get dirty the next day? Honestly, I blame it on my roommate's shaver.