Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Worst Facial Hair in Sports

I want to do a list of the five worst facial hair styles in sports over the past year. This will draw more heavily from the NFL than any other sport because, well, MLB and NBA bore me.

5. Ricky Williams - Everyone's favorite pot head, Ricky, after returning from a year off and a suspension in a cloud of blue smoke, sported this lovely rug on his face. He looks like he spent the last year doing something really manly like wrestling lions barehanded in the Savannahs of Kenya rather than sitting around and blowing grass with Lenny Kravitz. Well, sadly, he's not really that rugged, he's just really strange. Who knows what sort of mayhem will get to see in the next season?

4. Jake Plummer - The quarterback for the Denver Broncos who can't stop turning the ball over. He was my starting fantasy quarterback this year, and everytime I played him I felt like I needed to shave. He's got some sort of weird Kenny Loggins/Charles Manson look, and for some reason, it just doesn't seem right for a quarterback. He had one of the best season of his career, though, so I'll bet we see Jake the Snake with an even bigger beard next season. I still will be a little concerned that he'll start singing "Danger Zone" while brainwashing women to kill people.

3. Apollo Anton Ohno - I know this speedskater won gold and two bronze and I should be thankful for representing our country and winning the 500m race, but really, when I look at him all I can think is "You know that guy is a total douchebag. Just look at his soul patch." Also, the fact that women think he's hot, he has the same name as a god and he's an Olympian. Any one of those four things would immediately cause me to jump to the conclusion that this may be a fellow who likes himself a lot. But mostly it's the facial hair. I was happier when I thought he was an Italian.

2. Adam Morrison - The leading scorer in the NCAA and an ugly, ugly kid. His mustache is a little hard to see, it's the bit around his mouth that looks like dirt and shadows, and that's exactly why he belongs on this list. This guy is going to play in the NBA and he's wearing the same facial hair as that kid who wanted to look grown up in 6th grade. Adam Morrison's mom could grow a better mustache than that. J.J. Redick is making fun of him for looking ridiculous. Shave your face, Adam. And stop crying on the court.

1. Kyle Orton - The starter for Chicago last season after Rex Grossman went down (again) sported what may be the ugliest neck beard in the history of facial hair. It was a tough call between Adam Morrison's dirty upper lip and this, but ultimately, I couldn't pass up the chance to write that previous sentence. He just looked like an Indiana bumpkin while cleanshaven at Purdue, but now that he's moved on up to the big time, he looks like the sort of fellow you'd see in a tattered suit coat on a streetcorner downtown with a 40 of OE in a brown paper bag. But don't worry, since Chicago now has Grossman and Griese, we'll never see him again! Interestingly enough, on a team with people named Grossman and Griese, it's the guy named Orton who looks disgusting.

Saturday, March 18, 2006


Gmail is usually pretty good about catching spam. However, one got through today, which made me chuckle. After than chuckle, I wondered how much humor there would be in my pile of inbox spam, and it turns out, the answer is a lot.

The title of this entry was one subject line. I was a little taken aback at first, given the implications and directness of language. I opened it, to see just how Ms. Kera Yan proposes to bigger my short && thin d11ck, and unfortuntely, I began to suspect that English was not Ms. Yan's first language. I was a little disappointed, too, because she did say her way was cheeap.

The way that the names attached to each e-mail address is also quite fascinating. They usually put two randomly selected names together so that it is conceivable that there is a person on the other end, sending you information on how to get illegal pharmaceuticals for rock bottom prices. (Maybe Bud Selig needs to start snooping in Barry Bonds's spam collector.) The fake name technology in unwanted spam mailings, however, must lag behind the Madden fake name technology because I'm pretty sure that out of the six and half billion people roaming this planet, not a single one of them is named "Scraped J. Bethlehem." It might be tough to find "Antechamber K. Eula" on a novelty license plate in the tourist traps and if you were to ask the folks at Disney World to "Shipboards B. Bacchanali" on your mouse ear hat, they'd probably look at you funny.

I understand that there is very little human oversight in this field, but really, why would something like "Burl Willis," "Deterrent O. Sequoya," or "Waclaw Macintosh" even be in the database that the randomizer draws from? That Nigerian widow, Dr. Abacha, was much more polite and believable than "Vigor I. Shoestring." If I'm going to by vlitagra, levitora or cialmis, I'm going to buy it from her. After all, she is a doctor.